My Relaxer Blog

Besame mucho.

2012-02-24T18:57:00.002-08:00

The title is a song we sang in vocal ensemble... God I miss high school. This past week was reading week and I was in Calgary. It was the happiest I have been in a very long time. As soon as I got in we went for food at east side marios, went to best buy, hair cut and then roughnecks game. What a great game. 12-8 win, first home game win this season. It was fantastic. And we sat in the front row right beside the players bench. It was fantastic. The next day I got to see my adorable little cousin, Zia and Zio and Nonna for Sunday brunch and then we went to Cross Iron Mills. I got so much manga ha. Monday was a Mom and I day and I got to drive all day. We went to Cora's kitchen for breakfast, chinook mall, then went to Red Lobster and pigged out and then we went home and watched my neighbour totoro. It was great. Tuesday I dropped my Mom off at work, took a shower and then went to drop my car off at my Nonna's and walked into China town. I got pikachu slippers, a deathnote poster, chopsticks and a coconut bubble tea. Then ate at Nonna's and then went to the zoo with my friend. Great time. Dropped her off at home and then got lost and used the GPS and then ate dinner at home. Wednesday I was supposed to go to a flames practice but the flames need to get more organized. I eventually went over to my friends house at noon, ate at a chinese buffet and then went to her house and played sonic racing and watched some HIYMYM. Then Thursday I had an orthodontist appt., ate lunch at Terriyaki, went home to pack and clean and get digital copies of movies, went back to get my new retainer and then picked up my Mom. Went home and ate dinner while watching Matilda and then at eight I went to my friends bday party at Craft beer market and had an amazing time.
Now, today I took the bus back to Lethbridge. I have a happiness journal, where I have to write at least three good things about my day. In Calgary, i've written up to 10 good things about one day. In Lethbridge, some days I struggle with three. I wish there was some way I could attend University of Lethbridge in Calgary for Music Education. All my friends are there, my family, my happiness. I've tried to create my own happiness in Lethbridge. Joined clubs, went to bars, went to concerts, whatever. It's not the same. And the friends I have here aren't the same either. I have some that are good, some that have turned sour, and some that I can't rely on at all. I have my moments, but I guess I really needed to be in Calgary. And I hope things look up here in Lethbridge. *2 more months*

It's funny how fast you realize who your real friends are.

2012-02-16T20:57:00.001-08:00

I WENT TO ZUMBA TONIGHT! It was a fan-freaking-tastic experience! For 7 bucks you get an hour zumba class and it was amazing! I feel so refreshed and energized, and my friend was right, you forget all about guys and school and shit. EVERYTHING. No anxiety, no mild depression, no nothing.

You know, at first, I wasn't sure about this person who invited me to zumba. She seemed like she was in the 'cool' group and in my past i've never gotten along well with them. But this year, my eyes were opened. She and I have a lot in common like knitting and old movies and now zumba and such. She's really helping me come out of my shell and I am very thankful we took a step out and hang out. We may not be best friends, but she's been there when I had a crush on a player (should have stopped it when I asked her, she was right ha ), when I didn't feel like I had any friends. I'm not trying to go all sappy and gushy and stuff but i'm glad she and I are friends.

Also, today before wind orchestra I texted a few people asking for ways to keep amused and entertained. One replied to me right away... and ended it right away ha. Another was across the room but that didn't last very long. Another texted me half way through the rehearsal. One texted me right after the rehearsal and one texted me right now. Ouch. I understand being busy and such, but some of the people who texted last were the people who used to text back seconds after I pressed send. OH and did I mention the girl who invited me to zumba also helped me with recycling and has a boyfriend but isn't boy crazy? Her roommate is the same too. And they are both fantastic. I actually had this conversation with my parents and they said the sad truth is as soon as a friend of yours gets a boyfriend you're told to hit the road, at least that's what it feel like. And I told them I wish it wasn't that way and people would see it from the single person's POV. But they don't. Well, the people who invited me out tonight do. It's odd how some of the best friends were right under your nose all along.

Anyways, this week is reading week! I can't wait! Back to Calgary, go to China town, lax game, hair cut, all this great stuff! I get to forget about guys, roommates, people who piss me off and don't know it, school, etc. If anyone I don't want texting me texts me before I return to Lethbridge, you know what i'm gonna do? Not reply at all. Not until I feel like it. Maybe i'll be busy, maybe I won't be. All I know is, this next week is all about me.

When you want something done... do you really have to do it yourself?

2012-02-14T13:24:00.001-08:00

You know, i've always lived by a few sayings. Here are my thoughts on them now.

1. You want something done you do it yourself.
♦ You know, this is true to an extent. Yes, if you want something done it might be smartest to do if yourself, but that get's tiring after a while. Like right now. I like this guy, I don't know why I still do especially after he told me he still had feelings for his ex who is magically back in town at the worst time. But anyways, I like him and I want to be with him, but i'm trying my hardest to restrain myself from texting him, seeing him, whatever. I don't want to do this one by myself. I want him to text me. But when I text him we have the most amazing conversations, and when I bump in to him it's like we're old friends. Right now, i'm toying with the idea of convincing myself he's gay and his ex is a guy. At least then I can talk myself out of liking him because it's not smart to fall for a gay guy. Any thoughts?

2. Good things come to those who wait.
♦ I still believe this. I really do. But just like faith and such, it's hard to see in tough times. I know people who would agree with this saying because they've waited and it's paid off. But then there are people like me who are impatient as heck and as much as they are humble and such, deep down, secretly, somewhere, they believe they deserve a chance at what they want because of how long they've waited. I'm still learning how to become more patient, and I know i'm not an overly religious person, but right now i'm trying to find my patience through God. Everything happens for a reason because God wills it that way. So my waiting comes with a reason right? All I can do is live one day at a time and hope my chance will come yes? So much easier said than done.

3. The quote on the right.
♦ I just found that a few days ago and it's been a problem for me these past few days. A friend who always makes plans but never follows through, the guy who doesn't know what he wants, even small things like unwashed dishes have been testing me. I don't know whether to move on and forget or forgive. With me, forgetting means spending endless hours over analysing what the situation is/was and not forgetting about it until i'm busy enough that I can't think about it. Sometimes even the smallest thing sticks in my head like the porch light not turned on late at night when I need to walk home and find my way down the stairs. I guess with that it's happened enough i've gotten used to it. But the stuff that has been happening lately, it can't happen over and over because the more it happens the more it hurts. I might just be rambling but this has been stuff that's been bothering me.

There is no quote that I know that quantifies this but one last thing is relationships. I know it's not smart to measure yourself by your relationship status. There are times i'm a strong, independant young lady where it feels like I will never need a man and i'm happy with where I am. And then there are days i'm home alone and wish that magically some man would come and swoop me off my feet and I day dream and then the day dream is gone because reality is a downer. In those times I try to text people to get my spirits up but it seems when you need a pick me up the most, it disguises itself and the last person you expect to reply to your texts is the one who helps you the most. I don't care if i'm with someone or not, when I have friends who can help I can take on the world. It's when i'm home alone and no one texts me and the friends that you need to be there aren't is when it hurts the most. Now I know sometimes i'm the not the best friend in the world. I will admit to that. But it's hard searching for that guy when you're still searching for that best friend. Again, i'm rambling I bet, but I feel better now that's out there.

I'm a classy gal.

2012-02-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

The picture to the right has so much to do with this blog post it's not even funny ha ha. Yesterday, I got home from lessons and made myself some pasta and noticed I had 3/4 of a bottle of red wine left. So I brought the bottle of wine to the coffee table and has a glass with dinner. In two hours that bottle was gone. I was intending to get drunk off wine, but by the the last quarter it went down like water. I watched insecurity and ouran high school host club with candles and party lights lit. It was nice. I texted a few people to say hi, nothing major, and then I hoped the guy I talked about last post would finally come online, especially after seeing him THREE TIMES YESTERDAY. I got a wave the last time but the rest was nothing. I'm feeling uber hurt by this guy. I thought he was better than this. And I found out his phone works again after speaking with him on Wednesday. He said he stil had my number so I asked him to send me a text. Nope. Nothing. Oh well, like I told my roommate and friends, boys suck.
Anyways, today is recital picture taking day and passion party! Hurray! A few of my music friends are coming which excites me greatly! At least I hope they show up. The last few parties i've thrown, it's only been my roommates fire spinning friends and that's a bit sad for me. I don't really know/get her friends so it ends up being an awkward time for me. Either way I have hope today. Tomorrow is my first rehearsal with my accompanist and then on monday I play in masterclass! I'm excited I get to dress up all fancy, i'm not really even worried about playing ha. Actually, to be quite honest, i'm most excited to walk around outside the recital hall all fancied up and show off how I look. I say this because the guy who is an ass has a class right there and usually sits on the chairs so he can see outside there. So i'm gonna show him what he's missing out on. I'm gonna look freaking fabulous. He better text me or say hi after that the ass hat.

I just am.

2012-02-07T14:28:00.000-08:00

--> Lethbridge memes! Awesome stuff!
Anyways, I haven't written anything because I wouldn't know what to write. This past few weeksn just seem like a blur and I just exist, nothing spectacular to my being, nothing really needs me around. I just am. Maybe it's because I choose to be that way or I come off that way, and i'm not saying it's a bad thing but it's not good either. The texts I have from the past week were all sent from me, I haven't received a text in a few days which feels weird for me. I try to keep busy and do stuff and eventually when I get tired out, everything thins and it feels like there is no use in trying. And in not trying with friends and boys I just am.
In a better explaination, minutes go by like seconds it seems and when classes are done it feels as if they never happened. That only happens to me on rare occasions, but these past two days that's all it's been. Today after conducting it felt as if the class sped by and I could hardly remember what happened. Maybe i'm just crazy.
I also read my horoscope today and it said that today is a great day to try and learn more about myself and discover new things and that an endeavour will finally pay off and you'll see what all your hard work was for. I don't know of anything in my life that would fit that. I know what I want and I know who I am. As for the hard work paying off... there's only one guy i'm going after and i'm most likely giving up on that because 1) he's never online to talk and thats the only way we can talk because his phone is dead and he's so busy we can't see each other in person and 2) he told me he still had feelings for his ex. That hurt like a brick. He said he wanted to see me more and we had such great chemistry but he put his ex before me. Well I guess it's time then I put myself ahead of him. Oh well, such is life I guess. So what endeavour will finally pay off? Maybe I just read horoscopes to feel meaning and hope that some cosmic force will lead my day and life. I don't know.
On a brighter note, over the weekend I went home to visit my family and it was fantastic. I got my mind off my roommate, the place, guys, drama, all that shit. As soon as I got in we went and ate and shopped at the italian store, then willow park wine and spirits where I got wine that had a small thing of olive oil on it and a mickey of ice wine ha ha, papa chocolat which is a spin off of bernard calebaut, craves cupcakes where I got yummy cupcakes and then back home. Then my mom and I went to chapters and I got a ton of new manga and then we went to see the big miracle. It was fantastic! Then the next day was lunch at my nonnas and I got to see her and my little cousin who is almost as tall as me and she's only nine -.- and my uncle and aunt. It was a fantastic weekend! But then being back at school... you know some drama I can handle. But the rest is blah. And then there's my own drama... i've liked this guy for three years. I don't want to say anything because we're on pretty good terms. I'm not going to say anything because he's taken but it's killing me. These past few days all i've been thinking is what if... Oh well, time to learn more about me and live life one day at a time. =)

I believe in love but love doesn't believe in me.

2012-02-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

K... at first I was going to write this a different way when I got home, but then I decided to watch cake boss, kitchen boss, bake a bit, make lunch. Then a blind date came over... I was thinking, what are ways I could be happy single? The blind date showed me.
This guy was all hands. And he made no sense. And he was slow. He kept on asking all these weird questions and re-sending MY texts back to me. Then when he came over, he kept saying weird stuff like 'I have a ham at home.. I have to cook later, just so you know'. Ok thanks for letting me know... and that's not even the worst. When he came in he was like let's hug and I was like ok.... then I sat on the couch and he was just standing there... so I slid over on the couch and then he sat RIGHT BESIDE ME. WHO DOES THAT ON A FIRST MEETING?! I didn't consider it a date, I said let's be friends. And then he was like 'I won't kiss you because you're sick' and I guess this was all my fault because he asked to hang out and I was like no i'm sick but if you want you can come here. But anyways it get's worse. He then put's his arm around me and i'm like wtf man?! Thankfully the wii froze and I had to get up and fix it. Then it re-booted and I sat back down, arm goes back. I was stiff as a board. Then he started asking me questions about myself and I wouldn't give him eye contact. And then he was like you're very shy aren't you? And I said yes. Then he asked me about my ex and wouldn't stop asking me questions about him, even when I said I try not to think about him because we broke up a month ago. He bit his tongue at least two times in asking me questions about my ex. And then he asked about my phone and I told him it's on my dad's work plan and I told him my dad worked at burnco. And then he asked if I was italian... how do the two co-relate?! I told him I was and he was like wow.. I found an italian girl it's my lucky day... no way buddy. Let's just say the rest of the forty five minutes he stayed was awkward. He was like I like music and playing guitar for you and reading at the library with you and cooking with you. I know I wished for a romantic guy but that's just way too much. He got attatched wayyyy to early. He said I was prettier in person and then pinched my cheek (nice compliment, bad follow-through). ANd I told him I was shy because all of my first dates haven't been this... close. All of my first meetings have been for coffee or at a bar or something. And then he backed off a bit... and then he said if you want to be friends let's hug... oh boy. Then he tried to hold my hand by asking if his was bigger than mine and then he was like oh friends don't do that... but they can do this right and then put his arm around my shoulder... again. -.-
Anyways, in short, i'm happy single. I'd rather wait for a normal guy i'm attracted to then someone who freaks the living hell out of me but would worship me like a goddess.
God works in mysterious ways.

Always look on the bright side of life.

2012-01-24T12:22:00.000-08:00

(My) Top 10 reasons to be single
1. No more hand jobs or blow jobs.
-I don’t know about the rest of the world but other than giving my parter pleasure, I HATE doing this. I’m sure a lot of women could do without having to give these ‘jobs’ to men.
2. All the sappy, rom-com, chick flicks you want.
-My ex loved horror movies and I felt bad not sharing the same passions. Now I don’t have to sit through paranormal activity x to impress him or be more likeable by him. I can watch all the Patrick Dempsey, Alan Rickman, James Marsden movies I want.
3. You save money thanks to no more presents, restaurants, date nights, etc.
-Everyone is always so tight on money now a days, and for some couples this one isn’t a problem, but with my ex and I for date nights we’d always go out for dinner and alternate paying. But now that I don’t have a boyfriend I have so much extra money to spend or save for myself!
4. You learn to be more independent.
-No more rides home after work, no more calling someone when you’re sick or down. These are pretty depressing but once you learn how to take care of yourself the world will rest in your hands. You call the shots. And when the right guy comes along he’ll be so glad you know what the hell you’re doing unlike girls before.
5. You learn more about yourself and what you want.
-Whenever I go through a break up, I always dwell on things and want to improve myself and keep myself busy. I learn a lot about myself and I change for the better.
6. No more double booking or putting your boyfriend before your friends. It’s all about your friends.
-I always hoped my exs would want to make time for me, or surprise me and come over, or something. They never did (it was nice to dream and hope I had found that guy who would do that for me). Now, I don’t have to worry about that. I can take my personal life into my own hands, decide what I want to do and have a good time.
7. No more arguments or frustrations.
-I hate confrontation, yelling, fighting. I come from an Italian family so I heard banter all the time, good or bad. No more disagreements about sex or time for each other, whatever. I can work on being happy instead of having roadblocks along the way.
8. You get the bed to yourself.
-If you sleep over at your partners house, you’ll understand. Until you meet the one or even then, you always want more room, more covers, more pillows. When you’re single, you can sprawl all over the bed and not give a damn.
9. You make your own plans instead of being disappointed when plans fall through or they don’t ask at all.
-This one ties back into number six, but when you’re single you won’t be disappointed with a guy. You get to call the shots now.
10. You get to focus more on school or your job or just being you.
-I know sometimes when people are in relationships the let their habits slide, their homework slide, hell even their friends slide. The neglect cleaning because they could be having a tickle fight with their partner, or homework isn’t important because you’re too busy making out or you just make them a priority. To be honest, I’ve learned that you shouldn’t define yourself by your relationship status, and it’s a shame that some people do, I’ve been guilty of that before. But when you’re single, you don’t have any excuse to neglect anything. You learn to be responsible.

So I wanted to look at the positives of being single, and it turns out there are a lot. I feel a lot better knowing that i'm pretty lucky right now. The only problem with coming to terms with being single is seeing couples around. I like being single to an extent, but I get sad when I see something I can have, and it really doesn't help seeing/hearing that every day with my roommate. But, in a way that makes me stronger too. If I can handle that, I can handle being single and be happy too. It's almost been a month and i've already learnt a lot about life and myself. Go me!

I've got the moves like jagger.

2012-01-18T14:15:00.000-08:00

--> Me waiting for the bus in -40C weather! Yeesh!

Anyways, school is easy and sitting pretty good with me. Oh my social life? Yeah, that's a nightmare.

So i've been single for almost three weeks and have done a lot of stuff. I know three weeks isn't a lot and i'm not saying I want another relationship at all. I just want to know there is someone out there interested in me, not for sex, not for money or homework help or whatever. Me. Is attracted that I have a great gpa and want to be a high music teacher, someone who doesn't care if it takes us two days or two years to have sex, someone who can make me laugh and will open up to me and blah. I saw an icon one day that said disney gives girls false expectations of me. Are my expectations too high? Is it wrong to know what you want in a guy or even in life? I guess when you have these expectations, you also need to know what the consequences and faults of these expectations can be and brace yourself if nothing happens. Why am I going on this random rant? Well, there's a guy. I've liked him for a long time, we've been in a lot of the same classes, same uni, etc. We've been talking a bit more since my ex and I broke up (mostly me who started all the convos and I guess I like the chase even though I do want a guy to make the first move/moves in general) and the friends i've talked to about him say he's been flirting with me. I don't really believe them but when we talk it just feels nice. It's nice to have school in common and all the music drama and stuff with someone, especially with a guy. I dunno... I guess i'm impatient. I just wanna know!

Also, the big band cabaret is this Saturday which I am stoked for! Dressing up, dancing, swing music, my parents, my friends. My only problem is the dancing part. Now that I don't have a boyfriend, who am I going to dance with? And worse off, will the guy I like ask me to dance? Will I be devastated if he doesn't? Will I be even more devastated when I have to go ask him myself? I've always said if you want something done you should do it yourself, but that gets tiring for once. I just wish I could find someone who has strong feelings for me like I would have for them. I know I should still be getting over my ex blah blah but you know i'm at the stage in my life where I want someone to share life with. Sure there's 'living up the single life' but what if i'm not made for the single life? I don't do clubs, bars are only good with friends, and i'm in school most of the time. I dunno, I just want to live life with someone. Someone to share something with because all this independent stuff... it makes be bitter. I become so focused on me. Not selfishly but it feels like I just want to do a lot of stuff alone now. I wanna find someone who will watch a movie with me, who will go down to the practice rooms with me, will talk with me. Man this sounds really needy... why does all of this have to be so complicated!?!

Don't call me baby anymore.

2012-01-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

You know, I have no idea why I put up with you. If I know something is so wrong why do I still want to try? And when I want to give up, why can't I? You frustrate me in so many ways I don't know where to start. One day i'll be happy laughing with you and the next i'll be disgusted.

That was my little rant on a certain person. No names. Anyways, yesterday was a bight rough for me. It started out well, conducting was good, the paper was good, went home for a few hours which was nice, went back to school for wind orchestra which was decent, and then I started to get a huge headache which wasn't so nice. Then off to the zoo where there was hardly anyone, watched the flames game with some pals who started to watch curling and when the flames won the game 1-0 in OT, we were the only ones the bar. That sucks. Then I tried going to fire spinning... ended up practicing and busing it home. That's not my place. Those aren't my people. I'm still trying to find that place where i'm welcomed with open arms when I come into the room, the place where i'm happy to be all the time, any time. When one of my friends walked into the fire spinning room, he got welcomed with hugs, someone tried out his staff, it was happy times. I just felt invisible there. Maybe that's because I make it that way, I don't know. As for trying to find that place where i'm welcome... I don't think it's in Lethbridge. School sometimes i'm invisible, sometimes i'm not. Clubs, don't really have time for any and the ensembles i'm in feel more like business than fun. Home, most of the time no one is home and when I do get home it's to a couple on the couch which I can't say right now I can handle. Yesterday at the zoo my friends started talking about supernatural... my ex and I would watch shows together and supernatural was one of them... I just miss having that kind of time with someone. Like i've said before, I want to find someone that will make me feel welcomed and wanted no matter what, and now that i've lost a glimpse of that it's tough. I want to know what i'm missing out on. I can't keep day dreaming forever. I guess keeping busy for me isn't always the best cure. Maybe I just need some down time to myself too sometimes.

The toughest thing about this is not having any family in Lethbridge. I don't have that resource here that is ALWAYS there for me. I can call and what not, but when I need a hug or just someone to be with that can't be here for me. Of course that makes me sad, but I guess in a way that makes me stronger. If I can get through these kinds of times alone, I guess I can get through anything right? I can ask for help, but I feel like a burden or I feel too clingy or something. I just miss the days where I had friends I could rely on 24/7 and relied on me too. Friends who we could tell anything to and laugh about it. Friends who did a share of the work too. Augh, i'm just throwing myself a pity parade again. I'll get over this. Ciao for now.

Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

2012-01-12T13:54:00.001-08:00

I must blog right now ha ha. So you know how there different intensities and types of crushes? You know the high school type crush? Is it normal to be having one in university? I don't think I understand my feelings anymore. I try to suppress them because i'm certain nothing can happen and then they go off and be nice and then people say things that make sense and make me believe something could happen and then the cycle re-starts. Like, I like having that warm, excited feeling when they say something nice or something that catches you off guard, but doesn't there come a point where you say enough of this and want something to either happen or you give up? I keep telling myself I shouldn't keep trying but something tells me I should and I don't know why. Just like I don't know why I like him. I just do and that's something I can't seem to grasp either. GAH. I don't want to give too much away because there are people in my life who read this blog and know what's going on (to be honest i've probs said too much but I need to get this out!). I just want to know what gives. Gah men, why can't I just focus on school!?

I'm feeling... good dun nah, dun nah, dun nah

2012-01-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

--> THATS SO ADORABLE! ^^ And the header... Michael Buble's feelin' good =D

Anyways! This week has been a good start to a new school year. My one class is looking decent, saw all my friends again, and am having a blast! Jazz isn't going quite as well as it used to be, and with no drummer, three altos, a clarinet, two trombones, two trumpets, a bari sax, tenor sax, piano, guitar and bass, i'm not surprised. Tuesday was great too! Conducting was fantastic, in between was fun too, practicing, hanging out on four with friends, good times. Then I hung out with one of my friends before a class which I just dropped and then I hung out with my other friends at the wiccan table at club rush. Now, i'm a roman catholic and and always will be, but that stuff fascinates me. My friend did a few tarot readings for me and they were insanely accurate. One of the readings told me not to create obstacles for myself (which I tend to do a lot) and in doing so this year will be good. Another one was about a guy I like and she and the cards said go for it but don't expect him to be anything he's not and doing expect butterflies and rainbows, etc. The last reading though was the most accurate. She told me to think of a question, so I did, and the cards told me I have no reason to feel this way but I get obsessed with some things too easily so I shouldn't let myself do that and branch out more and if I do so it will all be fine. My question? Why am I so insecure? The cards said I don't have any reason to be insecure about anything because I have talent in what I do and I have success, I just need to be more open and out going. And you know what? I did just that. A few minutes after the reading I asked a person who came to mine and my roommates christmas party to teach me some poi moves because the OMC table is right beside the table I was at. I learned the flower, I already knew the butterfly, and how to criss-cross with alternating arm motions. I felt pretty proud and had a lot of fun. After that, I had orchestra which was fun joking around with Owen, seeing someone I like conduct the orchestra (... so much to say about that! Just... wow.) and then I went home to an orange moon. The moon was orange yesterday! It was so neat! I then finished Ouran host club which was FANTASTIC! Now onto reading the manga! I also chatted with one of my old friends from high school and she is awesome. She's met this great guy, is in great shape and is happy. She also told me that I deserve a guy who wants me just as much as I want them, someone who starts things first and can't wait to get their hands on me. I told her the type of guy I wanted and she said 'wow, no guy has done that to you? guys are dumb!' And I laughed and agreed. All I said I wanted, just once, is to find a guy who will randomly pin me down during a movie, kiss me, maybe carry me off to the bedroom, something cute or sexy like that. Never had that happen. Then I read some more fruits basket and went to bed. Today, I only have one class and am planning to clean =)

Tomorrow i'm gonna try and go to the zoo and catch the flames game, friday is our party, saturday i'm hanging out with a friend, sunday is still up in the air and monday is the jazz jam and my first lesson with the new prof =) wish me luck!

COOKING POST! =)

2012-01-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

So with no roommate, a relatively clean house and room, and no one really in town yet to hang out with, I cooked!!! =) Here are the recipies I made all by myself, NO BOOKS. I am very proud.

2 scoops ice cream (chocolate cheese cake breyers is what I used)
1/3 cup of frozen raspberries
1 tbsp cream soda
1 tbsp cranberry juice
1/4 cup of milk
A squeeze of nesquick chocolate syrup
Blend in blender/magic bullet and voila! Numminess! This took me only five minutes to make and it was sooo worth it!

Random chili
2 cans of Campbell tomato soup
¼ can of water
1 can of lentils
1 can of mixed beans
½ a pack of pre-cooked pre-cut turkey
2 sausages (the ones I used were honey garlic I believe, but I want to try it with mild-spicy Italian sausages from spulumbos!)
A Dash of pepper
A dash of oregano
How I made it: I put all of the canned ingredients in on the stove on low-medium first, then once the turkey was de frosted I added that, the I cut up the sausages and added them, then the pepper and oregano. Over all it took about 45 minutes =)

Life goes on... right?

2012-01-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Change is good, but change can also be bad. How do you transition from the familiar to the unknown? I've done it before, and yeah it was a bit rough, but doing again should be easy, right? To me it feels the same. Trying to be as social as possible, failing miserably, feeling like the pity case, it just feels all too familiar. Maybe that's why I can hold onto a guy... I just go back to the familiar. Even with effort, it all falls back to the same stuff, the same melt down, the same thoughts, the same break up and the same feelings all over. How do you break the cycle? Move away? Run away? Become a hermit? Become a basket case, or even more so? There aren't very many options and the more optimistic options such as becoming more outgoing or more positive require some assistance, like friends or whatever and although I think I have a lot of friends, not many know me well enough to help. And that leads back to finding new friends and the cycle begins again. Look, I may sound whiny, but in all honestly i'm trying and its frustrating. I guess things don't happen in a snap, but when you don't see even the slightest change when you feel like you've put in a lot of work, it's disheartening. And in a small town like Lethbridge, there aren't many places to turn.

I know I made it through before, and once school starts I hope i'll be a ton better, but for now, I can't help but wonder what's next. I was reading my horoscope today (yes, i'm one of them) and it said 'Something you have grown used to in your life has ended, or is in the process of ending. This may be a relationship (bingo), a job, a course of study, or anything really- but it's come to offer you stability, comfort, and a sense of balance. You may feel sad or anxious about this Gemini, but there is no reason to be upset. Just as this ending occurs, something new will come along to take its place. At first you may not recognize its significance, but at the right moment, it will bring you the comfort and happiness you need. Relax.' The first part hit the mark perfectly, but the second half... dear God I hope this horoscope is true. And as for the relax part.. easier said than done =P

Not quite all the way back to square one.

2012-01-02T07:18:00.001-08:00

So, I say that i'm not going all the way back to square one now for a few reasons. Of course, this is in comparison to my only other break up BUT none the less, i've improved a lot. 1) I didn't feel the urge to drink my sorrows away after the breakup. My Dad even offered me a glass of wine which I turned down (I did have a small glass of wine after a phone call which I brought upon myself, but still, I didn't try to have shots or drink the whole bottle of wine.) 2) When my first bf and I broke up, I felt like I had a huge hole in my chest for a while. I know he was my first and it is expected to feel that way, and it felt like i'd feel that way forever. Now, I feel whole even after a break up. I know we didn't go out for as long as my first and I did, and this time wasn't my first, but still. I'm an emotional person and I thought i'd feel, well, worse. I kind of feel... relieved. We had fun times yes, but we also fought, a lot. And i'm trying to stick to the positives which there were plenty; walks at Henderson lake, surprise dessert and flowers on a date at my place, the wonderful Christmas presents I received, how nice his family is, there was a lot of good stuff about the relationship. But now it's time to move on. To bigger and better things.

The bigger and better things I speak of are goals and things I wanna work on with myself. After I got over my first bf, I wrote list after list about how to stay happy, how to stay sane, whatever. Now, i'm trying a few new things with this break up to start anew.

1) Start a work-out routine: This semester I only have five courses, and most of them fall on tuesday thursday, giving me until 11am and from 12pm on of free time (if there's no studio and if I finally make a decision about jazz band...) on MWF. I figure I could go to the gym at 8am or after form, or if I do join jazz or after that. I wanna feel more comfortable in my skin and get over feeling so self concious. I'm always so preoccupied about what others think about me and that everyone is secretly judging me. The gym would be a perfect place to go and get over myself.

2) Be more social: As soon as my ex and I broke up, I texted everyone I could, said happy new year and said we should hang out more in the new year and I meant it. I'm always avoiding people and when I was with my ex I hardly hung out with anyone because I was secretly hoping he'd want to hang out with me. Now that he's out of the picture, there's nothing stopping me from finding new friends, reaching out to people, and just be less of a basket case.

3) Say how i'm feeling more often: After the break up, I texted my best friend and roomate and asked her what the hell was wrong with me. My ex broke up with me for the same reasons as my first bf and I wanted to know if my friends saw these things as well. She said she didn't, except that I should speak my mind more often. I will admit, I have a tendency to avoid confrontation and when someone asks me something that i'm sure will lead to a disaster, I give them a false answer. Now, step by step, i'm going to tell people how i'm feeling asap.

4) Start a positive diary: When I went to see a counsellor at the Uni, they suggested trying to start a journal and write down three positive and great things that happened during the day and force yourself to drown out the negatives. At the time, I thought it was dumb; I know what's good in my day and I don't need to remind myself. Little did I know, it's a great idea. I started writing about it on New Years day, and it helped. The small stuff does count. As an example, the three things I wrote down were 1- got over 30k in pet society coins 2- figured stuff out with my ex and wasn't angry or sad after the convo (I was a bit drained though) and 3- saw my adorable little cousin (who was very chatty) and ate lunch with my family. Those three things were wonderful, and as soon as I wrote those things down, all the bad stuff in the day seemed to just vanish and not matter anymore.

I hope that in writing this stuff down, I actually follow through. Also, this B guy... I dunno. He doesn't seem like he has enough time for a relationship, let alone me. And a lot of the convos we have he talks about sex and stuff I don't wanna be thinking about right now. Sure we click, and i'll meet him, but if the first meeting doesn't work out, I think it's sayonara for him and some single time for me. I just have to figure out the big band caberet... I have no one to dance with now! Someone better dance with me! ;) (other than my Dad, he and I will dance for sure)

Happy New Year...?...!

2012-01-01T07:11:00.001-08:00

Well, it is 2012, a new year. You know, I thought I ended 2011 on a horrible note; fight and break up with my now ex boyfriend, road tripped back home for most of it and hardly got a wink of sleep the night before. But I got a surprise; a guy I met before texted me and we talked all night. I'm not rebounding, and i'm defs not going after him quite so soon. I want some time to be single, recover from all the endless fights, butting heads and start new.

Break ups are hard, but this one was overdue. From the first fight I should have known, but instead I kept trying and trying. After our second or third fight I called my Mom in tears and she said 'your Dad and I never fought like that and I knew after our first date and our first kiss we were meant to be. If he frustrates you this much, well, I don't have to say it.' And as per usual, she was right and I should have listened. Not to say that there weren't any good parts; sleepovers, he got me into some great tv shows, he cooks really well and conversely I ate very well while we were together, and he tried. Towards the end I couldn't see that too much but we tried. In the end, we were too much for each other and he like he said, some opposites attract but for us it was a burden. I'm not incredibly bitter, the only things that annnoyed me were 1)He said that he didn't miss me this Christmas break and as truthful and honest as that was I would have rathered not known that; 2) he raised his voice again when I told him I just wanted to do this at least over the phone if we couldn't meet up in person and was trying to be civil; and 3) he used the same line my ex did 'I can't be both your shrink and boyfriend.' and told me I was the main reason he was always in a 'funk'. But whatever, it's over now and I know nott to get myself into that sort of relationship, as sweet at he was at the start, ever again.

Now, about the surprise text. Before my ex, before when it was the summer and I was working and no school etc, I joined a site called POF. And I chatted up a few guys. Now, B and I we connected. He's half italian, has a stable job, in a band, and we can talk for hours (case and point last night from when he first texted me at 9pm to midnight; let it be known my ex and I never had a conversation like that. Oh and also let it be known, i'm not trying to rub this in anyones face, it happened, it all happened and it is what it is.). We even talked on and on before J and I met up. Now, if B was before J, why didn't we meet up you ask? To be honest, I don't even remember. We were trying but I guess it never got very far. This time though, we're going to meet up and if we don't, no biggie, but I won't dare try again with this guy. ANYWAYS when he texted me he said he's been single for a while because his ex cheated on him and he's always been into me. That made my night, and my night just got better the more we talked. Look, i'm not expecting much, but i'm thankful that he made my new years eve that much brighter. It's always nice to have another friend, and it's always nice to feel wanted.

Buono Natale a tutti e felice anno nuovo!

2011-12-22T13:51:00.001-08:00

That is Rocco DiSpirito. Thanks to him, I was able to make decent biscotti without using butter or milk =)

Anyways, as the title says, Merry Christmas to everyone and happy new year! It's that time of year again and i'm so excited! Christmas and Easter time I get back to my roots and I bake and cook italian style. Today, I made cranberry chocolate biscotti and they turned out wonderful. Also, if I had eggs I would have made struffoli; small rock-like orange zest puff balls slathered in honey and sprinkles. It's one of my favourite italian desserts ever. One of my Nonna's friends would make it using cookies shaped like the pasta mafaldi. Another one of my favourite Italian Christmas desserts is pannatone. It's bread with sometimes raisins or chocolate inside it. My favourite is the ones with chocolate in the centre and a hard shell of chocolate too! Yum. BUT this year i'm celebrating with my Dad's side which is Canadian. That means I get to look forward to quiche, ham/turkey, and other yummy dishes! But one thing both sides of my family have in common is wine. I'm quite sure I will have plenty of chances to have a swig of vino this Christmas season.

Well, I should be relatively stress free and anxiety free this Christmas season I hope so Merry Christmas again and enjoy Christmas!!!

Le gr.

2011-12-21T10:30:00.000-08:00

So i've just been outside for about an hour now trying to fix the light outside our door. First, I put in a new bulb. Then I tried turning on the light. Nothing. Then I get all frustrated but then I took the lightbulb out and tried it on one of my lights. It was dead. It was in the new lightbulb box and it was dead. That's frustrating. Then I use one of my lightbulbs in my room for the door light and it works. Hallelujah. Then I look at the fixture. One of the screws is missing so I can't fully put it back on. I search around the house for the toolbox and of course when I calmed down it was right in front of my eyes, literally. I found a screw that would work, so I went back out. My stepping stool was too short. So I searched around for something that would raise me up. I thought of two plastic bins to put underneath the stepping stool. That didn't look safe so I put those away. I thought of using my desk chair but that wasn't any taller. And then I used one of my bar stools and that worked. So I got up on the stepping stool and then onto the bar stool which scared the shit out of me. And of course, the screw doesn't go in all the way but it does the job so I left it. The light fixture is now fixed and i'm slowly de-stressing with my cooled down rose tea in my fabulous new mug my roomie gave me =)

So, today is my last concert with my studio prof. I've been so blessed to know him. He is a fantastic guy and that fact that he gave me this opportunity to play in the big band with him shows how awesome he is. We're playing Duke Ellington's Nutcracker suite along with some other Christmas tunes. It's gonna be a great concert, plus I look smokin' hot. I got a new top from Le Chateau which i'm gonna surprise and wow people with at the concert. There's only one person I really wanna impress though and I hope my boyfriend likes the look =P I also have red and green nails and a santa hat to go with the outfit so hurray!

Final marks are also rolling back in. Despite hating my methods classes I managed to pull off a solid A and I got an A- in studio and conducting. I passed orchestra of course and frigging Beethoven... C+. I'm so mad at that. I went and saw the prof twice for the final project and I got a horrible mark (passing but horrible) and that was worth 30%. And when I went to go see him he didn't say anything about a horrible mark or doing so badly in the course. I know this is just my philosophy, but if a student is doing poorly in the class i'd tell them so and suggest things they could do to get a better mark. The fact that I went to the professor should show that i'm worried! Oh well, not much I can do now.

I wonder...

2011-12-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

I wonder how often people put themselves in the other persons shoes. TO be honest, I know I should do that more often like with professors, my roommate, etc. But I wonder how often those people think about someone else pov. I guess sometimes they have never experienced the other side but still they can try right? Perspective is hard. That's just a short thought for the day, but I am curious how many people can try and think like the others. I know if I tried to do it for some people i'd have no clue. But still. Just a curiosity.

Been awhile.

2011-12-07T20:06:00.001-08:00

Well, it's been a bumpy few weeks. Overall it's been good, just a few things have been getting to me.

Yesterday, I had my last lesson with my sax prof. His wife got a tenured position at UMichigan and he got a composition prof position too. I'm happy for him, I really am, but i'm gonna miss him like hell. He's a great guy. I can't believe these are the last few days i'll be able to see him.

Another thing i've been annoyed with is people doing their share. People saying hello first, people talking to me in person rather than texting me to say something, acknowledging that someone did the dishes and cleaned up stuff that isn't theirs, little stuff like that pushes my buttons and really did this week.

Another thing that bothers me a bit is pride. Is it wrong to be proud of someone and want to show them off to the world? Is that an old ideal? And is it bad to compare yourself to someone who is proud of what they have? I guess everyone is different, but I seem to compare myself to others a lot and I know it doesn't do much good for me. You know, I feel like I ask for too much and I expect too much and in doing that I disappoint myself. I just want to feel that my feelings are being reciprocated. I wanna know that i'm not just some day to day thing, that I have worth. I wanna know that i'm not just some filler.

That was just me ranting to get this off my chest because 1)it's late and I don't want to bother people with this and 2) i'd like to think I can rant and not get in trouble with it because these things bother me. A lot of times i'll tell people my problems and instead of sympathizing with me, their advice makes matters worse somedays.

Well, that's all folks.

Ever after.

2011-11-23T09:23:00.000-08:00

The quote to the right makes so much sense ha ha.

Anyways, these past few weeks have been crazy. I gave my two weeks notice at winners because I wanted some more time to myself to do homework, hang out with my roomate, figure stuff out, that and the next few saturdays I have stuff I need to do anyways. Last Saturday was canvasing for the big band cabaret for silent auction items, this saturday i'm going to a craft show with a friend and our schedules haven't lined up until now, and next saturday my parents are in town for my wind orchestra concert and we're going shopping and stuff before they leave! =)

I've had projects galore due, which reminds me I need to finish my woodwinds one right now.... and done! And I still have a history paper and a Beethoven analysis paper due Dec. 9th too... wow this semester went by quick.

What else... i've been having bumpy times with people and it's been frustrating. In trying to explain myself and say what i'm feeling rather than letting it go or lying or saying nothing I get myself into more trouble. I can't let go of things easily. I don't forget big things easily. And yet I still seem to be getting into trouble and having heated discussions and getting more frustrated. I hate coming home and trying to say what's on my mind and end up crying before going to sleep. Maybe I should wait until the next morning, but then I think about it all night and can't sleep. If I bring it up then then we're both too tired and we end up getting frustrated all over again. I don't know how these situations can end well. When i'm told to let something go I will, but i'll bottle it up inside me because I don't want it to just be shoved aside. It will eventually resurface and I want it dealt with now. I guess i'm just an over thinker.

And the word sorry. I understand hearing it too much weakens the word to the point of non belief. But there are still some situations in which it is applicable. It's hard for me to not say sorry because it feels like it should be said. You may not be looking for an apology but it feels right to me. I've frustrated you and i'm sorry because you say that's the reason you can't sleep. You raised your voice and i'm sorry because I want you to calm down and not have to yell, even if I started it. In my saying sorry it's me saying I want to fix things so we don't have to do this over and over, even though you say it's not my responsibility to always fix things. But you also said I start most of this so isn't it?

This is me standing up for myself, no matter what the consequences are. This is me saying i'm trying to be less sensitive but i'm a girl and I can't help it sometimes. I can't be as strong as you'd like me to be some days because some days I can't. I don't like being sad, I don't like being mad, and I don't want to put that upon anyone else. This is me saying I don't want to be frustrated about something and someone who should be one of the most happy things in my life. And yes I know, this is the real world and i'm adult now, but I still believe that even though relationships are a hell of a lot of work, it shouldn't be this frustrating and i'm trying to work on this. Call me old fashioned, but I still believe in love being a wonderful thing that should make me cry out of happiness, not frustration. That's why I want to fix this.

Past life melodies.

2011-11-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

Why do we always go back to the past? Even if it was a piece of crap? To make sure everyone back then was ok? To prove to yourself you'd never go back if you could?

I don't know why I bring this up, it's just weird having the past randomly pop into your head. No reason and it's not like you wanted it there either.

I dunno... anyways this long weekend was great. A long over due rest for me. Got homework done, baked and cooked, went to see my boyfriend, had my last shift at winners, spent almost the entire weekend with him.. it was wonderful. There were a few bumps i'd rather not have happened but you can't be too picky when the weekend is going so well.

I'm heading into bed soon actually and I just wanted to get some stuff out there. Das is all. =)

Wow.

2011-11-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

Man was I ever right when I put in my two weeks notice. I said that I couldn't handle a job on top of these busy times and that it would just get worse.

I was right.

I can't wait to get into the education faculty. I really can't. Conduction quiz tomorrow, I'll either be doing homework all day Friday or procrastinating and get myself into major crap, I work Saturday, I should be working on Beethoven stuff on Sunday night after what I hope will be an uber relaxing day at my boyfriends, presentation in String and Beethoven, listening quiz Thursday, journals due Friday for woodwind methods, registration Friday and my LSO notes concert. Well, they aren't my notes any more.

God I feel like crap. I just had a meeting with my supervisor and he came right out there and said there were serious issues with my writing, it sounded too naive, there was no flow and my style just needed to change. He also said I would never make it as a musicologist at my level. I guess this is why I'm an educator. I don't have the time to improve my writing. I can only do that through assignments. I wanted to cry so many times during that meeting. I felt embarrassed, like I was some freak show and everyone in the world was laughing at me. I felt ashamed because I thought my writing was so much better than that. I felt disappointed and I suppose the bar was set way higher than I thought and I disappointed my supervisor. And I say they aren't my notes any more because he's re-writing two of the four pieces. I felt like I was being punched in the gut when he told me that. I still feel like crying. The only silver lining was that jazz was cancelled and I got a lift home. That was my brief happiness. Then I got home, re-wrote the notes and am hiding in my room. My room mate's boyfriend left to go to class, and I have no clue what she's up to now. Why does this all have to happen now?

I have no many things that I was to vent out and unleash but I can't and shouldn't. I don't want to rant and hurt people just because of my state right now.

Ice cream time.

Baby it's cold outside.

2011-11-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

ITS COLD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJiHDmyhE1A <3

Time go more Langsam!!!!

2011-11-05T06:28:00.000-07:00

Ba ha ha i'm such a nerd with my blog title. Langsam means slow btw... i'm pulling out all the moves because in conducting I we have a terms test on thursday so i'm trying to hammer them in. I knew langsam already but I thought i'd put that out there ha ha.

Anyways, the week from hell is almost over. Come 5:30 tonight i'll be happy. This week I had a history assignment due, a midterm mark I didn't like back from string methods but then switched to violin from viola cause my hands are small (I know right? WHaT?!), threw up after a productive morning on wednesday but still had to go to school for sax masterclass and jazz band, had gross sushi at cj's between that, freaked out about a student switching their lesson again and wanted thursday at 730 after wind orchestra... i'm such a pushover for my students =P, had to play for an audio recording class who needed to get their shit together, gave my two weeks notice at winners depsite everyone around me giving me mixed opinions and frustrations, taught ONE lesson but luckily my boyfriend gave me a lift home which was a shining light, and taught two lessons yesterday while also getting practice logs back, bs-ing Beethoven, a jazz sectional in which I had to call out the 1st alto because of the poor organization of the sectional (I hated to be a bitch but I had to do it) and a lesson in which my prof thought it went better than I did... that never happens. Wow. What a long week. Today I have work from 9-530 and woke up at 7 despite being so comfy in my bed. I made pasta for lunch in 15 mins, ate breakfast, and am now wearing two pairs of pants one being sweats, three shirts and am gonna bundle up.

Anxiety time. I had an anxiety attack in class on thursday. That was the day my lesson rescheduled and felt so swamped with homework and was the day I was contemplating giving my two weeks notice at winners. I was so twitchy and couldn't calm down for at least 15-20 mins. IN a class, that's forever. I tried paying more attention but all I could focus on was the feeling that my chest was going to explode and that I was shaking all over my body. All I could do is breath in deep breaths and tell myself "you're ok, it's just an anxiety attack, you're fine." And it eventually goes away, especially after I take my pulse on my left wrist which also helps calm me down. Feeling my pulse go from rushing to normal helps. I haven't had an attack like that in at least a week but in class it sucks.

Well i'm off to catch the bus to work -.- Ciao for now =)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

2011-10-31T15:21:00.001-07:00

SO MUCH TO DO. SO LITTLE TIME.

Ok so this week:

-History Assignment due (done thank god)

- Conducting Midterm part 2 on thursday

- Reaction paper for woodwinds methods due friday

-Still need to finish polishing the LSO notes

- Work on Friday with my two sax students and my clarinet student who is now part time.

- Work on Saturday from 9-530

Next Week:

Monday: -Quiz in string methods

-Listening quiz in beethoven string quartets class

Tuesday: START PREPARING FOR CONDUCTING TERMS QUIZ ON THURSDAY -.-

And throughout all this I need to keep my history essay in mind, as well as my Beethoven Analysis paper in mind and my written and playing portion for both my methods classes (all of this is due in decemeber thank god but if November crept up on me this quickly....)

But for now HAPPY HALLOWEEN! My oh my. I love my pikachu costume! I crochetted the hat and tail and knit the ankle sleeves. So awesome. My boyfriend is coming over and i'm making him super and it;s also BEING ERICA NIGHT! =D

K I gotta stop stalling and make a playlist for Beethoven =P

I am so blessed.

2011-10-18T20:52:00.001-07:00

I am so blessed. It's such an amazing feeling when something happens to you and you know you're loved.

Today, I had a concert. Before this concert my boyfriend and I met up for dinner, and I had asked very last minute. I forgot a black shoe at home for the concert dress and he picked me up, we raced over to the bargain shop and still had time for supper. I then had to race back to the concert venue after being texted by another person in my section and I left money with my boyfriend and he understood I had to run off. I even texted him later saying i'm sorry and he said there was nothing to be sorry about. I felt soooo bad running out on him. And he came out just to spend an hour with me. I love him. A ton.

Then at the concert, one of my students from Long and McQuade showed up (oh and I have a new student too!). He watched the concert for me and his grade 8 band was playing too (he's younger than that). I am so glad to have motivated students like him.

And my favourite one of the day; I was reading my blog and I re-read my post about snail mail which reminded me one of my friends said tell me when you check your mail. So i went out and checked the mail. There was a letter in there. So I opened it and there were two pages front and back handwritten for me from one of the best friends I could ask for ever. I'm such a douche friend and I feel horrible for everything. I need to find I was to make this up to her because this letter meant the world to me. I haven't received a letter from a friend since junior high maybe. I am so thankful for friends like her.

My lesson today went pretty well too. I'm still on shaky terms with him for my own reasons but for the most part everything is going well.

Thank you to everyone and everything that made today so wonderful! <3 I love you all.

Makenai!

2011-10-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

---> I love that comic ha ha. Yesterday I saw a desktop wallpaper of my friends and it was Michiru and Haruka =) I hate how the american version made them cousins -.-

Anyways, todays title is the opening line from the theme song of sailor moon stars. I believe it means don't give up.

Hmm so the past few days have been on and off. Lso notes due, midterms next week, assignments due soon, performances soon, it's all CRAZY. That plus balancing my social life is tough. I want to hang out with my boyfriend, I want to hang out with my roommate, I want to hang out with friends but i'm gonna get caught in a bad place not being able to study or not seeing people. Now the people I wanna hang out with are totally fine with me doing homework, but me I wanna see them too. Le grrr.

Anxiety, I had a weird attach last night in bed. I'm going to guess this is because I had a glass of gingerale in half an hour and didn't get a chance to get rid of caffeine. It wasn't anything scary but I just felt the feelings of having a heart attack and couldn't stay still in bed. I eventually got to sleep but it's been nice not having any anxiety attacks. Instead I get mood swings but I usually get called out on those so I think it's an even trade. =)

That's all I really have to say right now. I really want today to go by quickly, especially woodwind methods. The methods classes frustrate me SO MUCH.

The Circle of Life

2011-10-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

So 1)New layout yay! 2) The blog title is brought to you by the Lion King which I watched last night with my parents because i'm in CALGARY! and 3) that kid is genious. I wish I had the creativity and the blankets to think of that.

So, thanksgiving weekend has been awesome. Got into Calgary at 10pm friday night, got to sleep in my old bed in my old room, woke up the next morning at around 8 and then went downstairs and played mine craft and zoo tycoon on my computer! Then went to my Nonna's to help out there, then Co-op, big note music for a tuner and metronome, and then Scarpones for awesome italian food-ness!!! I got sooo much stuff. I flat of Chinoto, tons of pasta and pasta sauce, goodies, spicy sausage for my boyfriend, etc. Then we all met up at home and went to starbucks on our way to cross iron mills! =) I got new snow pants so I don't freeze my ass off walking to the bus, got new underwear at la vie on rose, got modern family 2 on dvd at HMV, a new pair of boots at naturalizer, Sailor Mercury hair clips and a pikachu/gloom pencil at sanrio!, and I believe thats all. But what a hugeeee mall! It's got pretty much the same stuff in it any mall does but it's huge. After cross iron we went home to drop all the stuff off and then we went to Willow Park to get Dad some wine and 100 old grand marnier, I got myself a bottle of cinzano bianco and mom got a dry white wine for cooking (and for my dad and I to drink =P). We then went to Chianti's and had food. Yum. But by that point I was sooooooooooo tired. We got home ta 830 so I just chilled up in my room and went to bed at 930.

Sunday. Woke up at 8 again (i don't know the meaning of sleeping in, never have. The latest I have ever slept in in my life would be 10am and for some people that's still early!), went downstairs to play some more minecraft, got dressed, chilled out around home and then at 1230 we went to go pick up nonna and then went to treasures of china for my Zia's birthday dinner/thanksgiving. Not my idea of Thanksgiving but that's how she wanted it this year. I got to hang out with my adorable little cousin and yeah. After the buffet we went back to their place for cake and stuff, played more with cougina and then at 5 we headed out. Came back home after dropping off nonna, crocheted some more, ate pizza for dinner and pumpkin pie and watched the lion king! I also broke a wine glass and made my boyfriend mad, both of which combined made me feel like uber crap, but both got resolved so i'm doing alright.

Which leaves me to today. It can't be over. I don't want to go back to reality. No more tests, no more school, no more drama, no more prof crap, no more nothing. I wish it could work that way. I have a conducting test tomorrow, no lesson thank god, orchestra, just blahness. Arg.

I need to vent.

2011-10-05T20:25:00.001-07:00

Coming home to no groceries/running out of food. Coming home to an empty house. Coming home to dishes in the sink that have been there forever. Seeing stains I don't even know how they got there. I understand we all get busy. I understand we all have our own lives. But never seeing a roommate who is also a best friend gets to me. I understand we need money and have a job, I understand we have school and have boyfriends. But there has been no effort to hang out. I've hung out with her once a week since school started, sometimes a bit less sometimes a bit more. But nothing like summer or last year. Maybe this is just me angry talking, maybe it's because I don't understand and i'm being ignorant. But what i'm feeling right now is like i'm living by myself. I don't expect things to change. If anything i'll be getting used to this because I bet things can't change. But from my perspective, I don't have time during school days to hang out with any friends. I only see music kids and that's really it. Maybe the people I walk past in the hallway and say hi but other than that just music people. When I get home, the place where I want to be, it's nice to see a familiar face and have someone there to talk to, even if it does take me forever to open up, especially on the days where I don't feel like making the effort to make plans and go out. It's nice to go to bed knowing someone is there, it's nice knowing that if anything happens someone is there. Maybe i'm being too needy, I don't know how much is too much anymore I suppose. And it kills me not having anyone home when I have crappy days or am really angry and its especially nice having someone home when I miss home and my boyfriend and everything and just want to rant about how school is taking its toll on me already and how days are long and etc. It's nice having someone there to help when you're crying by watching netflix with you and pigging out on fudgeos.

It was never this way in Calgary. I'd always have my parents and sometimes i'd even sleepover at my best friends. I had so many friends in Calgary. Now here, even if I have become uber independant, i've become so isolated. I've tried making new friends, i've tried the whole joining clubs, joining groups, getting lessons, the whole shebang. There are just somedays I wish I could punch a wall and jusy magically feel better. I'm just so frustrated.

With Vigor.

2011-10-05T12:46:00.001-07:00

Todays title brought to you by the Creston Sonata! A three movement piece written for the saxophone! Which I am playing at my recital =)

Anyways, what's new with me... hmm... found a new dentist in Lethbridge. It was really good and they had a student price too. Anxiety, pretty close to nil, depression, hardly any other than a weird mood swing I had yesterday. I was fine in wind orchestra, complaining about not wanting to be there of course, and then I had to rush for the bus because people kept talking to me and I almost missed it. WHen I got into the bus I started feeling angry and unappreciative of what I have. Sure, 930-630 school days can do that to a person when they're tired, don't want to be there and just want to sleep but I just felt so mad. I didn't want to take the bus and walk home, I didn't want to anger my boyfriend who I was texting with and almost felt like not talking to him because I wanted to see him instead but thanks to my long days I didn't have the energy to take two buses and forty five minutes later to get to his place to spend maybe an hour together (that was a long sentence). I just wish the music program could be more spaced out. On monday's I have a 9-1050 class then a class at 12-1 and then nothing until jazz at 430 unless there's master class which is from 2-4. I have from 1050-12 to eat and practice, and I have from 1-4 usually to do nothing. I'm not complaining about the nothing time, but being there from 9-630 drains me. And then tuesdays are the worst. 925-1040 class, 1040-12 to practice and eat lunch (which isn't a lot of time considering I practice for about 45 minutes to an hour and STILL have to eat) then music at noon from 12-115 then I have a break from 115-140 which isn't much, history from 140-255, lesson from 3-4, and then warm up from 410-430 for orchestra which is from 430-630. Then busing it home... catch the 645, get to the stop at 7, takes 10 mins to walk home. I get home by 715 latest but that still feels overdue. I guess i'm just complaining and like my boyfriend said, it will all be worth in the end. I hope he's right.

On the bright side, I got a B- on my first beethoven listening exam which is pretty exciting. I was freaking out for that test. Dreading getting the history one back tomorrow though... and I got a B on my basic conducting test. So much to know for that course and you wouldn't think there was a lot.

Anyways, I have free time for the first time in a while so i'm going to attempt to relax and get shit done so yeah. Adios muchos!

Oh and ps. IM GOING TO CALGARY FOR THE LONG WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

False alarm?

2011-10-02T18:54:00.001-07:00

--> That's exactly how I feel in string methods class -.-

Anyways, the reason I say false alarm is because i'm feeling a ton better. I'm getting stuff sorted out, things are starting to work out and I think my head is sitting on my shoulders better now. Things are wonderful with my boyfriend, I just need to be more in the moment and not expect so much or be unrealistic. I know what I need to with school and stuff, I just need the time and balance, and job, house, all that is just fine and dandy.

One thing I want to mention though is love now a days. I was talking with some of the associates at my job and they were talking about love and how now a days it's hard to stay abstinent and be a hopeless romantic. I can't really say much because my views on sex have changed since I was in high school but is it really hopeless to be a hopeless romantic? Waiting to have sex with the one makes sense, and I was going to but i've learnt I really don't know what I define as the one. I'd like to say that I believe in the whole 'the guy knowing the first time he sees you/kisses you, you knowing the first kiss, talking about that stuff in the first few dates' but does that happen anymore? Maybe my mind always thinks wayyy too far ahead and I want every guy i'm seriously with to be the one so I psych myself out, I don't know. But how do you know?

And is it hopeless being a hopeless romantic? Do you ever hear about love letters (or emails I guess... but that's so not the same), candle lit dinners on the porch, a stroll to the lake to get in a boat together for a paddle together, picnics on a gorgeous day, etc? Not that the modern stuff is bad at all, but it just feels like the generations ideas of romance and love has changed so much. Is it wrong to still hope for that old school stuff? Maybe some of it is a bit unrealistic now a days thanks to time and whatever but are love notes that old school? I have no problem with texting and facebook and whatever but it just feels like we've lost the art of snail mail and writing other than birthday and holiday cards. I'm always excited to get mail (but then I realize it's bills or junk ha) but since writing with my old friend in grade.. 9 maybe, I haven't received a single written letter. Maybe other people are in the same boat. I don't know, i'm just letting my thoughts out.

Anyways, wish me luck on my beethoven listening exam tomorrow and yeah =D

I really should be in bed...

2011-09-29T21:00:00.001-07:00

I should really be in bed... I have class tomorrow at 9... oh well. Anyways, I don't have much from the past few days. A few bumps here and there but I can't say I didn't see them coming. I was trying to convince myself I was wrong and hope for the best but that instinct of mine is never right. The opposite more than usually happens.

I hate being right ha ha.

History V is a bitch and I that course. I'm quite certain I failed the first listening test. And the prof doesn't help a whole ton either but oh well.

As for the other bumps, I can't complain, it's not like it wasn't an option. And after all the stuff that's happened in the past few weeks i'm not surprised. Of course i'm moved on, forgiven and forgotten, etc, but it's still there.

Thanksgiving is in a week though! i'm sooo excited! Next friday my Dad will be picking me up after work and off to Calgary! I'm very excited to see my family again. It's going to suck being away from my friends and boyfriend; I was hoping we could spend out first holiday together, not to sound too cheesy or corny, but I was sincerely hoping for this. I like things to happen as quickly as humanly possible, and him meeting my family would be a huge thing for me and what better time than thanksgiving. He'll get to eat an italian meal, meet my loud family, play with my cousin and me, but maybe another time. For now it's just a day dream =)

Anyways, i'm drained from today. I did get a bit more energy from hanging out with a friend of mine at the zoo pub which was really fun and nice, but i'm tired now. Ciao =)

Baba Yetu

2011-09-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

So today I couldn't think of a fancy lied title so the first thing that popped into my head was a song I sang in high school with my choir. It's called baba yetu and is from some video game. It's the prayer "Our Father" in African. It's awesome. *starts singing it*. Heh.

Anyways, yesteday was the premier of being erica. Zomg... Adam Fergus... they could not have chosen a better man to play the role of erica's boyfriend. He's just so... I can't even. It was a great episode too ha ha. Never would have thunk.

Today was meh. Got up at 730, ate, packed lunch and my bag, had a conducting quiz which went well, practiced, music at noon, history, lesson, wind orchestra, then free pizza! Yay! And now i'm home.

I do have some rants, but I am in no means allowed to right now after how bad of a person i've been. Maybe not maybe people would know about the stuff, nor do I want them to now since i'm trying my damndest to put it in my past. Let's just say, the things that are on my mind I shouldn't be complaining about because I have it pretty damn good. And to complain about it would just set me back even more. Not that it's complaining per say, just little things that irked me. But oh well. Tomorrow I only have one class which should be sweet! More time to catch up on homework or be a keener and do some early, etc.

Ciao for now.

Maybe I should keep up writing in here even if things were good...

2011-09-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

Oh man. Well since I stopped writing in here everything went down hill. Winnipeg was great sure, my boyfriend was and still is great, sure but we've been having heated discussions like mad since I stopped writing and school started and everything.

I'm a horrible girlfriend. I can't show emotion, another guy kissed me while I was with him which shouldn't have ever happened and I should have never even talked to the other guy, I can't tell the truth, all I can do is pay for stuff and have sex and that's my fault. I'm the one who tries to be good and pay for stuff even though money isn't what makes a relationship and i'm the horny idiot who can't keep it in her pants. He's never once asked me to do something I don't want to and with sex... he;s the first guy who has ever stopped it from happening because he knew I wasn't ready. He'd never use me. And i'm too dumb to see things in a positive way. Every time I spend more than a few hours with him I have to do something wrong and screw things up. Why can't I just accept I have something amazing with him? What the hell is holding me back so that I can't show emotions and be open? I have very strong feelings for this guy but now all i'm doing is pushing him away. We both get frustrated, and he's just being the most perfect boyfriend ever and putting up with me. He hasn't done anything wrong. Why do I always have to push away every good thing in my life?! What the hell is wrong with me. I don't even know what lies ahead now. I don't know how to tell him in words but there's something wrong with me. Maybe I am depressed, maybe I don't know how to deal with things, maybe i'm a compulsive liar, maybe I can't even trust myself.

School's started again and I got stressed and got a cold and now it's just whatever. There's nothing there to vent about. The only thing that is bothering me now is how much of a dumbass I am.

Je ne comprends pas.

2011-08-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

I wish I was pro enough to make a pumpkin like that for halloween =P

Anyways, I haven't been writing in here much lately because I haven't really had a need to vent. I have a boyfriend now who is the sweetest man on earth (I still don't understand why he'd like a mentally unstable, worrying, girl like me but I won't argue), I have a great job as tiring as it can be sometimes, I have a great family who I just got back from visiting in Winnipeg, great place, everything is good. I have great friends too but all of us have been so busy with stuff we haven't seen much of each other ha ha.

Anxiety stuff, i've had a few bouts this past week but I know why and I had a killer headache yesterday but that mean my aunt flo is coming (I've never heard that before ha ha and oddly enough a guy told me about it ha ha).

Anyways, I probably won't be posting in here too much unless I get super anxious, school starts and it's hell ha ha, or I get in a fight with someone. All you need to know is I think things are finally coming together again from the break up with my ex and I couldn't be happier.

Hush.

2011-08-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

Bwa ha ha that's from Smosh. Best of the Ash meme. Some of them are pretttty funny.

Anyways, i've just noticed i've been talking more about actual life than my anxiety/what was left of my minut depression. I'm very happy i've gotten this far and all thanks to some talks, less caffeine and excersize =)

Well, tons has happened in the past few days since I last wrote. I got a new phone which is a black berry, got it through my Dad's work. It's nice, does the job and is wonderful. I also went on another date with the guy I met up with before Brian's LSO program notes people and that went really well. I'm off the market, let's just say that ha ha. It's a weird feeling being in a relationship again after embracing being single. I was ready to blow off every guy to say hey i'm happy single right now, and then this guy comes along and it feels like nothing has changed (which is good, let me explain) but i'm his girlfriend. In explaining: i've grown very strong and independant. The dress trying on thing, finding friends, talking to people I never used to, that was never me. I would crawl into a corner and die first before doing any of that stuff or at the very least i'd be too shy and wallow in my misery ha ha. Now with him... it just works. I have my independance as well as when we're hanging out together it's like we've known each other forever and can just talk and hang out like we're best friends (best friends with incredible... ahem. You fill in the blanks ha). And the best thing is he likes me for me. I haven't had to change a bit, and the things that are truely me he likes. Like the fact I hate when people pay for me. I can't stand when someone says they'll cover dinner or something, even if it's my birthday or whatever. I'll still pay them back in one shape, way or form. And he likes that. I just have to keep level headed. It's only been a few days and I don't wanna become obsessed or clingy or whatever (those are extreme words btw).

Also, the guy my saxophone friend introduced me to aplogized to me out of the blue. To rewind, I hung out with him and I thought he was too good to be true. And he was, slept with me on our second date and then blew me off for two or three weeks. His explaination for ignoring me? I don't want anything serious and got scared. Well ya put that on yourself. You're the one who led me on, slept with me, etc. I knew he didn't want anything serious and the fact we slept together... I think i just gave in because it was nice knowing someone was attracted me and I was pretty sure he wouldn't use me or wouldn't blow me off. Again, I was wrong and added another regret to my list. But he apologized and we talk on and off but ha yesterday he said I could text first too and I said sorry I was busy hanging out with my boyfriend, haven't had the phone on much. I'm pretty sure on the other end he was doing a happy dance or something because I wouldn't be going after him ha ha. But it felt good saying hey, i'm off the market, even if you did want me, nothing is happening now sucker. You missed out. I didn't say that but i'm hoping that that thought crossed along.

Now, today is my day off and I have a sax lesson with Paul Walker and then I teach two tonight. And in a few days WINNIPEG!!!! Grandma is in Calgary already and I spoke with her on the phone which was nice. I can't wait for the moose jaw hotel and spa, seeing the cousins, hanging in Winnipeg in general with family. It's been too long since i've seen them and I adore my family. I just have to get through three days straight of work ha ha. I usually don't get that being i'm only part time but i'm excited, gives me something to do. =)

Anyways, this has been a long post, so much happening and so much going on. And the title today is a song by Emily Osment and Josh Ramsey (not classical lied composers like my other blog titles ha). I found it on itunes and it's amazing. Josh Ramsey is from Marianas trench (a duh) and it's a fantastic song.

Ok i'm done now. Wait.. last post... I think i was on a happy high being home from housesitting ha. Just saying.

Gotta Catch 'Em All!!

2011-07-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

YAY! i'm so proud of the pokeball hat I crocheted =)

Anyways! I haven't blogged in a few days because I am no longer house sitting =) I am back home, watching smoshy goodness, eating food (what we have ha ha), and watching netflix once again. Also, i'm getting pretty into this story i'm writing so that also takes up some time.

Yesterday, I was at home for most of the day until 6 went i went over to a friends house and watched Nobel son. (*drools* Alan Rickman!). Then his roommate came over (GODDAMMIT TAKEN. Why are all the good looking men taken!?? I did this for reasons beyond your comprehension bwa ha ha)

And now the writing is back to normal. Then we listened to music and I went home. Today I work from 12-615 then lessons from 630-730 and then home! HOME EARLY. ZOMG. Kind of really excited! Annnnnnnnd:

ONLY 12 MORE DAYS UNTIL WINNIPEG!!!! LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh hells yes. Big font.

Mein Denken...

2011-07-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i'm trying more with this german stuff. Musicology does seem like a reality so maybe I should start studying it more.

Anyways, yesterday was pretty great aside from everything up until 5 was boring. I stayed home to housesit the dogs, then I went on the bus at 5, walked around downtown, saw my roommate at work, then met up with my NSO friend to watch captain america which was a really good movie. Then I got a text from a friend saying ooo you're friends with someone on facebook now =P or something like that so when I got home (after getting a ride home yay!) I checked my facebook and someone who i've been waiting to add me for a loooooooongggg time finally added me!!! Yayayayayayay! Hint it's a guy ha ha. It made me pretty happy ha ha. Today I get to go home once my friend gets back hurray!

Anyways today: I was reading an article on 7 things that turn guys off with facebook or whatever. Ok, so one of them was when girls post hate messages about guys. I'm sorry guys, but some of them are very valid and if you think differently PROVE US WRONG. I'm sure you find girls just as annoying and post equal status' of sorts say that us girls are so hard to figure out, so complex, etc etc, so we're even. The only reason that article was on msn is because some girls (and I can admit to being one of these sometimes) don't understand your simple nature and are so desperate to find a guy that's worth chasing. Guys don't give a crap and chase after anything with boobs and no dick. It's really true. And what are they aiming for? Sex. Most guys my age will admit to that. And if they don't they're lying. And even though girls won't admit it, they want someone to fool around with too, except we let these things called feelings get in the way and then things get complicated. Anyways, that was my rant on that.

Also *shameless plug* I write fanfiction. If anyone here likes fanfiction (my pairing is that picture above, fail on hermione's face though -.-) check it out. I love to write but I don't really have any outputs rather than this so tell me whatcha think! http://www.fanfiction.net/~sshg

J'ai un mal de tete. (no accents, too lazy, just imagine a hat accen over the first e in tete.)

2011-07-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

Awww! Pikachu so cute!
Anyways, I wish I could write a blog entry without bitching about guys, or any ranting at all for that matter, but that's kind of what this blog is for. That way I don't have to put my friends out of their way and they can choose themselves if they want to say something (which usually doesn't happen and sometimes that's for the best).

Ok, so lately i've just been working, housesitting agin right now. Yesterday I came home from work to find the dogs had gotten into my bag on the counter, found the beef jerky and tore the bag apart to shreds and ate the entire package. Bravo dogs. Bravo. And that same night, they woke me up at 1am and didn't listen to me when I said time to come inside. Mutal dislike.

Then boys. *facepalm* One guy I know stood his distance for a while then exploded all yesterday, another guy I like at work didn't return my good morning which tells me he's probs not a morning person (looking for morning people because I usually won't stay up past 10 or 11 if I can help it), isn't interested and is shy. K, that's not happening. And then today two guys chatted with me online on this site and 1 was a typical guy just wanting a hook up and the other one was kind of creepy and was from Calgary. NOT HAPPENING. I DONT LIVE THERE ANYMORE. Why are guys so dumb!? I'm sorry, but there has not been one guy (other than the one on wednesday which will probs turn to shit soon too, I don't have high hopes) that has proven to me that there is such thing as a smart-guy. Those words don't go together, just like Margaret and Math. Sure, other girls may have found a guy for them and can prove using their examples that there may be decent men out there, but I can't prove that to myself therefore I won't believe until it happens to me. I'm really fed up with guys right now. I think i'm going to change my profile to being brutally honest because if they can't handle that, they can't handle me.

On the bright side though, i'm going to the movies today with a friend of mine from NSO and tomorrow I get to go back home once my friend gets back. I don't work monday, nor do I have a lesson, tuesday i'm done at 730 and not 830 because I don't have those last 2 lessons for a while, wednesday i''m going for a walk with my walk buddy, thursday I might work and take a shift, and friday I work 1-930 which kind of sucks but oh well, good money. The week looks promising, as long as guys don't screw it up. I might try and squeeze a meeting in with brian there sometime too to talk about LSO program notes which i'm so excited for!!! =D

I'm bored. Therefore I shall blog.

2011-07-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

Mmmm... Anthony Padilla =D

Anyways! I'm bored so i'm going to blog. I'm limiting myself to one post per day which is a good thing because today has been pretty boring. I probs would have posted 3 or 4 posts already if I didn't restrain myself ha ha.

Anyways, yesterday was pretty good. Headed over to Dave's at 11, went downtown at 12 for manchu wok lunch and tried on some more dresses at Le Chateau and then work at 145. Then I met up with a friend for coffee at esquires and he's a really nice guy. My only problem is he said he's an atheist. I'm ok with agnostic, i'm ok with non believer but I still associate myself with faith, but as far as he said he's an atheist. It would be nice to have a guy with the same religion but I guess you can't be too picky these days... anyways it was cool getting to know him and then meeting for program note writing with Brian was great too.

Today has been pretty boring. No texts, no emails, no facebook messages or comments. I think the highlights of my day was a new lunchtime with smosh and seeing this jet fighter planes randomly fly around the area for a while. I was thinking today and girls are always complaining about how guys don't get stuff right? But some girls are they exact same. I'm not naming names but someone I know is pretty oblivious or just doesn't want to say anything. Hey, if I can dish it I can take it. And don't let my past anxiety/depression/whatever get in your way of telling me something straight up. Example (things changed for reasons): Yesterday, I asked a friend of mine for a piece of gum. They always have gum on them. But yesterday instead of saying yeah sure or it's the last one! she said well there's only one left and I was planning on having it later... and just left it there. I don't know if she noticed my dissapointment or she was avoiding it or something but I wasn't a happy camper. Ever since I told them about missing my hometown, not knowing people here, breaking up with my ex and having a few slip ups with a few people and her aquiring new friends and such, it feels like something is different. Sure we've been busy working but it just doesn't feel the same. Maybe it's just me but sometimes I text and ask how their day is or just saying hi; I can't say the same happens to me. I don't know if i'm asking too much or reading into this too much but there is a reason i'm looking for new friends and some of the things i've listed are some of the reasons. I know things change, but not this fast.

Is it even worth my time? Is it worth a person's time when the other person doesn't send back the gratitude or check up on you like you do? And should a persons views of you change when you're going through some tougher times?

(I may come back to this later. Alsom i'm putting this on my facebook again so for anyone who reads this, it's who I am and if it's not you're thing then I guess we know where we stand).

Mondnacht.

2011-07-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't used that lied as a blog title yet!

It is from Schumann's lied cycle Liederkreis (with texts by Eichendorf, not Heine). The lied doesn't relate to me much today; the only significance it had/has is the first time I heard it was in history class and my professor called it absolutely beautiful, which it is. It's just me being hopeless about that prof even though I haven't seen him since.. early june? Oh well.

Anyways, i'm back in Lethbridge. Calgary was pretty sweet. I met up with a ton of friends, finally got to go to the beatnik, went to Ming's on 17th, met some of my friends friends, went to stampede with my family and then met up with my best friend and her sister for Marianas Trench, met up with jr. high friends for coffee dates and got all the gossip on people we knew, it was good times. Greyhounded it back which gave me some time to just day dream and listen to my ipod, can't complain. Then when I got back I got a lift home from my roommate and went to my saxophone lesson which was good, I now have two weeks to practice all the stuff I have to because we don't have a lesson next week. Then I got home and unpacked and listened to music and such. The next day I went to a friends house to see what I need to do for house sitting, work at 145, then lessons at 630 which I was late for and felt sooo bad but my student was ok with it. Then I got a lift home at 830 when I was done and watched and episode of prison break with my roommate before hitting the sack. Today i'm housesitting, work at 145-630, then coffee date with a new friend, 8 i'm meeting with Brian and some other students about writing for the symphony and then i'm home (housesitting) to see the dogs and sleep and relax because I have thrursday off hurray! Then friday 830-5 shift... fun fun ha ha. I don't mind, as long as I get to IBI stuff still and maybe not do til ha. I think I have a fitting room shift in August which should be epic because I adore fitting room. No til or cash, just clothes. Alright. I also don't mind customer service (go figure right?) as long as there's someone else there on the other til. By myself sucks. I love lay-up where i'm in the warehouse putting out clothes, that's good so I can think.

Anyways, i've been doing pretty well. Anxiety wise I still have some minor "attacks" (I use that word loosely now) but for the most part, cutting caffeine and a lot of sugar out of my diet has helped so much. I've even lost 20 pounds-ish since may and i'm a 14 or a 12 now! And I fit into Le Chateau dresses (never have before) and depending on the cut of the dress, I can fit into a large not just an XL! That's pretty exciting for me. I hope I lose a bit more and hit at least 150 because i'm at about 167-168 pounds right now (i'm comfortable telling people that now, I don't really care what you think). And if I got under 150 well thats great too! I'd love to be a size 8 or 10 ha ha.

Guys wise, that guy who I texted a few days is being a jerk and totally ignoring me now so that's history. As to dating and guys in general, i'm giving up for now. Not all together but i'm done putting myself out there. Too much effort for so little back. I think i'm going to embrace being single and just let life guide me.

Ciao for now!

Mut.

2011-07-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Today's blog title is from "Winterreise"; a lied cycle by Franz Schubert! Mut means courage and is one of the last songs of the cycle. The synopsis of this lied is that a man is walking through the snow and sings loudly to drain out his own thoughts. He keeps on treking because of the cheerful song he's singing.

Today I kind of feel like that. But I need to find my song in order to find my courage. I'm trying my hardest to barrel through all of this, and i've had some good times to get me through (seeing my jr high friends yesterday and getting hugs from them all and talking about the past and what they're up to now) but it just seems like men are always the ones to ruin it. Yesterday I texted someone I knew for a hand with something and I got a text back saying "sorry hunny, he's giving me more than a hand. Deal with it." How would you react if you got that back?? So I asked what they meant and they said "you heard me." Now I don't know who this person thinks they are but i'm hoping to dear God it wasn't the guy I was originally texting. But he hasn't gotten back to my facebook message yet either which doesn't help with my dying faith in men. And then I had met a guy online, a few days later deletes his account and ignores my texts. And now all I do is attract the creepers and people I really don't want to talk to. I'm done asking if there's something wrong with me; I know there isn't. There's something wrong with all the men in the world and I don't want anyone setting me up with anyone, mentioning guys other than their own or even telling me about this cute guy they saw. Guys are problems, that's it that's all.

Now i'm going to take as many shifts as I can at work (last paycheck was $300 which surprised me, I didn't think I worked that much the past two weeks ha), emerse myself into prep for school, and hang out with people I know won't dissapoint. I've gotten in contact with an old NSO buddy, jazz fest friend who should be back in town soon, and another saxophone major who is really awesome and is very understanding (she's the one who set me up with the jerk guy I texted in the previous paragraph, but i'm sure she didn't know he was like this). Plus i'll be house sitting, making money, and getting stuff together. I don't need a man to do all that. Plus I don't want to have to worry about a man and do all the work or be too busy or whatever. Life's too short to do the things you don't want to do and don't have to. And trying to find a guy right now is one of those things. I've wasted too much time trying to find guys online, put myself out there, no. No more.

Anyways, that's my bitch and rant today. Today i'm heading to beatnik tonight with Shani and some other friends, I cannot wait! And i'm going to co-op so I might see some friends again from jr high =) Tomorrow is Mariana's trench!!!! I can't wait! This weekend is going by so quickly... oh well. Then I get to go back to making money, prepping for school and practicing. Ciao for now.

Kinderszenen.

2011-07-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm in Calgary. And already i'm dreading going back to Lethbridge. Sure, I was supposed to go to the zoo with a friend who had to babysit last minute and my plans just unraveled from there, but I went to the eaton's centre and tried on dresses at Le Chateau, ate at Bourbon St Grill, and went to visit my Mom at work on the 3 instead of the zoo. It was a pretty good day, saw my old jr high science teacher, my Mom's co workers... I hope today is better. I'm seeing some old jr high friends todayfor cofee which should be nice. Tomorrow should be kick ass going to the beatnik and I hope that works out. I really do.

Today, I really miss the days where I had enough friends and things to keep me busy that I didn't think about guys. I hate that that's a big thing in my mind and I want to change it but I don't know how. I'm not busy enough to keep occupied and not think about guys and the friends part, well that's all in Calgary. Leth i'm trying my damndest and i've found a few friends but it's always hit and miss.

I've also been trying out plenty of fish... you meet really great guys and then they delete their account, ignore you, don't do anything and make you do all the work.. fml. Is there seriously anything wrong with me?! Is it something I say that scares guys away? Do I smell? I don't get it! I know things happen when they're supposed to but right about now i'm losing hope in guys. They've all proven themselves to me as the same, and the guys who don't i'm just not attracted to. I met one guy on POF who is great; a gentleman, courteous but i'm just attracted to him and it sucks. Then I met another who is actually really wonderful and we hang out for walks sometimes, but I don't know where that's going. I could really use a boost somehow. And I know all I do is complain but i've never had these problems in life and I want to know why it's all happening now! Not having any close friends sucks and the ones I do have always work or aren't ever around or we just talk through facebook and can't hang out. Guys issue is bugging me and I just want them out of my head and I want things to go back to the way they were in junior high and high school when I had a great time with all the drama in choir room and the hating our band teacher, all the work IB needed, stalking teachers that we liked and pushing their buttons... I don't have that in university. Choir and band kids don't talk, our band teacher is great, i'm hardly working for my marks because it comes easy to me, and stalking teachers isn't a shared interest with anyone else ha ha (it's meant to be a joke, not creepishly stalking teachers off campus). And all the people i've met who are becoming good friends are leaving in the fall.

And the blog title is a piano collection by Robert Schumann. It means "scenes from childhood" and it fits perfectly with this blog if you read the above paragraph.

En francais au'jed'oui?

2011-07-11T09:19:00.001-07:00

(Je veux un gateaux comme ca!)

Je vais ecrire une peu de ca en francais (sans accents, je suis tres paresseux ha). La raison de ca c'est parce-que j'ai envoyer un courriel a le club de francais en lethbridge parce-que ils offre des cours de rafraichir votre francais. Deux probleme: le premier c'est les cours sont le meme temps de l'ecole et deuxieme c'est que le cours est 5o dollaire. Je sais ca ce n'est pas beaucoup mais... je sais que je probablement n'avais pas le temps de prendre ce cours. J'ai voulu un cours pendant l'ete mais ce ne travallie comme ca. Merde ha ha.

J'aime le francais! Je dois rendez-vous avec quel-que personnes qui parle le francais et qui veut parle le francais. Je pense que cet annee je vais raccord le club de francais a l'ecole. Seulement pour le pratique. Je m'enniue les classe de francais.

Anyways! Back to english ha ha. Man have these past few days been a whirlwind. I got to borrow my roommates car which was hella fun driving around, then I had to bring it for repairs because the turning signals shit out on me which gave my roommate a panic attack because she was out of town, my work hours got cut (not by much, but it was the same day as the stressful car repairs), I housesat for a prof again and got paid and those dogs are rubbing off on me, I saw saxy man play at rics lounge on his tenor, I met someone from online who didn't quite work out because now he's not talking to me (whatever), i'm in the process of meeting someone new (don't wanna jynx it), and yeah. Whirlwind ha ha. That and smosh.... *drools*. Anthony Padilla is amazazing. SO CUTE. And funny. And hot. And sexy. Need I go on? But Sacramento... -.-

Anyways, today is relaxing and prepping for my first lesson with Paul Walker today!!! =DDD SO EXCITED! He taught saxy hippodrome sax man, and he's just wicked awesome!

Don't call me baby anymore.

2011-07-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

PICTURES FROM THE JAZZ FESTIVAL ARE UP!!!!! =DDDDD SO happy about that! I am the only female in the picture so it should be pretty easy to spot me ha ha. It was such a blessing to play for Al Jacobson and to be volunteer coordinator for the festival. I have never felt like I belonged like that in such a long time. I adored every second of it, and nothing NOTHING made me want to cry or frown or anything. I was smiles the entire time (The Ray Aretha night tested my patience a bit but I was still all smiles with a headache ha ha). But even though it's been 3ish weeks seince the festival, i'm still praising it and wish it was still on ha ha or at least some events I could come out to. Oh well.

ANYWAYS I've been pretty great these past few days. My roommate lent me her car so I haven't taken the bus for the past few days which has been soooooo nice! After my lessons at 830 I got to drive home and got home before 9!!!!! That's when the bus would usually get downtown!!! And then work yesterday, I didn't get there 30 mins early thanks to the bus, I got there just on time because I had a car!!!!! And before that I did all the recycling, pop cans and took a short drive (where I saw my ex waiting for the bus... I laughed to myself and called him a sucker! It felt good) ALL before work!! What a concept. And and and I didn't have to ask for rides or anything yesterday because I had a car to drive home in!!!! And today I went to Henderson lake at 10:00 for a picture walk, then I drove around the northside, then downtown, then the west side around FLVT and then came home. It was wonderful! I love driving! I'm so thankful my roommate lent me her car. I filled up the gas tank yesterday so the thanks have been repaid. Now i'm just typing and getting ready to house sit for a prof later on =)

Why the blog tittle you ask? Well, that 'too good to be true guy' was too good to be true. He turned out just like all the other guys and just wanted in my pants, nothing more. And now he doesn't even text me. So much for getting to know me bub. Oh well, now to set my sights on being single, working, and hoping some magical guy will come along and won't want in my pants right away and with any luck will get to know me and do some of the work. Men are dumb. But i'm holding in there... I guess. The last guy hurt me really bad though. He had me in the palm of his hands and then squashed me. I was hoping he wouldn't be the same, ignore me after we hang out, din't even bother with getting to know me. I just want to find one guy that isn't the same. One guy who doesn't want to touch me for at least a month or will have the courtesy not to and have self restraint.

Die forelle.

2011-07-03T09:36:00.001-07:00

Back to lied titles ha ha. "Die Forelle" means the trout and was a lied composed by Franz Schubert. The lied was later turned into a variation entittled the Trout Quintet's, consisting of 5 string quintet variations on his main theme being the lied Die Forelle. It blew my mind when I heard the two compositions back to back because we were never taught the connection between the pieces but it is a brilliant, upbeat lied and I enjoy it very much.

The reason I chose that as my title today is because if its up and down nature. The main theme is very upbeat but then the fish in the brook get's caught by a fishers hook and the song goes to minor mode. I've felt like that the past few days with this guy I like. I've removed this link off my facebook so I hope to dear God he never sees these posts but I need to rant somewhere. Anyways, these past few days have been wonderful! Canada day with friends and family, then a shopping day with my Mom and Dad and cooking with my Mom, then they left which sucked but then I got a few bottles of wine, cleaned up, ate dinner while watching Harry Potter and the Philosophers stone, took a bubble bath, then sat outside in the warm weather in my pjs and listened to the crickets and birds and daydreamed. And now today the fishermans hook is in my mouth and i'm flailing about. Now that there's nothing to really occupy me all I can do is think about this guy. He's wonderful and amazing but in wanting to get to know me it doesn't feel like he's trying much and I feel like i'm doing a ton of work all over again just like with all of the other guys. I wish I didn't always give in and be the first one to text, or be the one to ask so many questions but that's how I get to know people. I just want to know if anything will happen or if we're remaining this mix of friends and more than friends forever. I like him and I want to see where it will go but I can't read him and I have no idea what he's thinking. I bet i'm just moving way too fast for my own good. I need to slow down my mind. Le sigh... I just don't want to screw this up. For once, a guy I think is handsome, smart, funny, charming, a gentleman, all of that rolled into one likes me back (at least I think so). He has the same interests, isn't a music major (which I like a lot! no drama of dating someone in the same major), is just plain old amazing and doesn't make me feel like a rebound or like i'm being used or a fling. AUGH.

Canada day!!!!! =DDD

2011-07-02T08:56:00.001-07:00

Canada was so freaking awesome! My roommate sadly had to work but we got a chance to talk, check the mail (which I did in my hello kitty pjs ha ha) and just relax til she went to work and then after work she headed off to go see her boyfriend. Then at 11 my parents were here! So happy to see them again! We headed out to Henderson to check out the Canada day festivities and watched global drums until my friend and her boyfriend showed up. We then perused the lake and then another friend joined us. We got old fashioned root beer and kept looking around the park. It was great! I ran into someone that had the same placement as me in Ed 2500 at FLVT!!!!; a tuba player who is a great guy, someone who used to play but I didn't say hi and then when I saw him another friend joined us! We all kind of dispersed at around 3 and then I joined the first friend and her boyfriend and then met up with parents again at 4. We went to the Mezza Luna restaurant by Canadian tire. It was meh. The dish I wanted to order was out but the waitress never told us so I had no idea what to get when she said they were out. Plus I got a sun burn on my forhead... man I felt dizzy. But i'm better now =)

Then after dinner we headed back to the Lethbridge Lodge and watched Hollywood treasures and then The girl next door. That was... interesting watching that show with my parents. Good movie, interesting with my parents ha ha. Then we headed back to Henderson at 930 and got there just in time to see... HIPPODROME!!!! (Pictured above: members of Hippodrome) That was soooo exciting! I got to see sexy sax guy again (I can look but I cannot touch), the prez of the jazz society, the photographer of the jazz society (who is such a sweetheart!) and a ton of other jazz people who brought back soo many memories of the jazz fest. I also ran into more friends who were form Ed 2500 and we danced on the dance floor together and had a great time! I got so many pictures and videos! After their set I said hello to the sax player, photographer and the president of the jazz society. Brought back good times. Then two of the friends from before showed up and we all watched the fireworks which were brilliant. Then my parents and I headed home and by then it was July 2nd. What a great Canada day! I thought I really didn't have a ton of friends, but today showed me I have wonderful friends, we've all just been uber busy. Plus, that new guy? I'm still hoping for the best, que sera sera. He's wonderful, but you can't get much off texting. I can't wait to see him next. =) Today is more time with my parents so til I write again! HURRAY =)

Kiss me Slowly.

2011-06-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

Stay with me, baby stay with me
Tonight don't leave me alone.
Walk with me, come and walk with me,
to the edge of all we've ever known.

I can see you there with the city lights,

fourteenth floor, pale blue eyes,
I can breath you in.

Two shadows standing by the bedroom door,

no I could not want you more

than I did right then

as our heads leaned in.

Well i'm not sure what this is gonna be,

but in with my eyes closed all I see

is the skyline through the window,

the moon above you and the streets below.

Hold my breath as you're moving in,

taste your lips and feel your skin.

When the time comes, baby don't run

just kiss me slowly.

Stay with me, baby stay with me

tonight don't leave me alone.

She shows me everything she used to know,

picture frames and country roads,

When the days were long and the world was small.

She stood by as it fell apart,

separate rooms and broken hearts,

But I won't be the one to let you go.

Ohhh...

I'm not sure what this is gonna be

but with my eyes closed all I see

is the skyline through the window

the moon above you and the streets below.

Hold my breath as you're moving in

taste your lips and feel your skin.
When the time comes, baby don't run

just kiss me slowly.

Don't run away...

And it's hard to love again

when the only way it's been

when the only love you knew

just walked away.

If it's something that you want

darling you don't have to run

you don't have to go.

Just stay with me, baby stay with me.

Well i'm not sure what this is gonna be

but in my eyes all I see
is the skyline through the window

the moon above you and the streets below.

Hold my breath as you're moving in

taste your lips and feel your skin.

When the time comes, baby don't run

just kiss me slowly.

I'm not sure where this is gonna go

but in this moment all I know

is the skyline through the window

the moon above you and the street below.

Hold my breath as you're moving in,

taste your lips and feel your skin.

When the time comes, baby don't run,

just kiss me slowly.

I'm in love with this song. It's called kiss me slowly by parachute. I've always wanted a parachute song sung to me. My favourite is she is love which I found while taking a quiz on facebook. I'm glad I got that result because parachute is one of my fav bands. Kit French the hot sax player, Will Anderson with those piercing blue eyes, and their lyrics and songs blow me away. I'm always in the mood to listen to losing sleep or their newest album the way it was. I've always dreamt of a guy picking up an acoustic and playing a song for me. She is love and kiss me slowly would be enough to make me melt. I've been obsessed with kiss me slowly for the past few days, playing it on piano, recording myself playing it, listening to it, everything. It reminds me of the guy "i'm seeing". Its hard to explain why but it just feels like him. And I really don't know where this is gonna go. I don't know what he wants and I don't think he does either. But I think i'm ok with that for now.

Well that's my cover of Kiss me Slowly. Try to ignore the dryer in the background. It always seems my best recording are when the laundry is on. I don't know why. It just seems to work that way ha ha ha. I hope you like it! =D

Good grief.

2011-06-28T07:15:00.001-07:00

I swear i'm cursed with bad luck or something.

Lately i've been living by the motto 'if you want something done do it yourself'. Well, that hasn't been working out too well for me but i'm impatient otherwise. What do I do?<>br>

Yesterday, I worked from 10-630, got home, chatted with this guy online and then hell decided it would spawn on earth for a bit and give me a taste. He and I met up, and that was nice, but as soon as I got to the bus stop at the uni at around 1045 everything was unleashed. He was a really nice guy and it was cool finally meeting someone from online. Stuff like that never pans out for me. He's cute, has a nice voice, and is pretty easy to talk to but for now, just friends. I'm not jumping into anything right about now. Then, I got on the bus and my ex walks on. I can't describe how I felt when he entered. It was like an abyss of anger. I didn't feel anything but I knew I wasn't happy about seeing him. And then he said hi. And then we made small talk. It felt like the longest 10 mins of my life. And in that 10 mins my mind said I still liked him, I hated his guts, I wanted him off this bus, I wanted to keep talking, I wanted to sit closer to him I wanted to move away, all of this confusing stuff. When he finally got off I felt bitter but I had my music to listen to. K, so that was tough, This next one I kind of inflicted upon myself, but after seeing my ex, I really wanted to know about this one guy who I like. So I told him. And he said he knew I liked him. But doesn't like me back and isn't look ing for anyone. Greeeeat. Then a guy from Ontario I knew says he's in town and doesn't even tell me! What the hell!?!? So we might be meeting up but i'm pretty sure that won't pan out because it never does. I went to Ontario for a family vacation and my parents offered to go to London from Toronto and he turned me down. That hurt so bad. I cried last night. The last time I cried was when I left my placement at FLVT out of happiness. I haven't cried because of sadness since my breakup almost 3 months ago. Yesterday sucked so bad. I think the highlight was a nice hot shower. Like i've said before, I really don't know what my next move is. I've gotta keep going because I want to be a music teacher so badly i'll do anything to get there, but there are someday I wish I could just off myself off the planet or run away or something. Oh and one last thing: apparently, tequila doesn't get me drunk. I had two shots in 10 mins and it didn't do anything! No tipsy, no woozy, no nothing. Oh well.

I hope today is better. I teach 4 sax lessons starting at 630. That's really all. god my heart hurts, it's had enough of this crap. What do I do???

Oh and by the way, I went to my councellor a while ago who helped me get a lot of emotions out and of course I started crying again (ok, I haven't cried out of sadness since the break up, this was a purge emotion of frustration) and we worked on worrying and stress and friends and everything. I wish I could see her everyday or everyweek because it is so nice to talk to someone like that, who doesn't know you really, who sees it all from a third view perspective, who doesn't judge and who doesn't give bad advice. Oh well, I hope today is better.

I'M DONE SUMMER SCHOOL!

2011-06-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

YAYAYAY! No more arky 1000! but no more ed 2500 =( but I can sleep in now! Not that I ever sleep in... but it's nice being able to day dream in bed for a while before getting up and doing things.

Anyways! The picture to the right is the Alex Goodman quintet that came on the last day of the leth jazz fest. I MISS IT SOOOO MUCH! And I miss my kids sooooo much at FLVT but that course is over and I was recommended to the ed faculty! One more year and I can apply and start professional semesters and such!

Anyways, this one won't be long, i'm celebrating now more school with a big lunch, cinnamin buns my rommmate made and hey arnold on netflix ha ha. Tomorrow I have a councellors appt. because the doctors all said I should still keep that up and i'll she what my councellor says, then I work at 4-930 and then sat I work from 930-615. Fun fun ha ha. Then Sunday I work from 2-630. Again, fun fun ha ha. But i'm glad I have a few jobs that way I can make money and keep busy. =)

JAZZ FESTIVAL TIME!

2011-06-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

HELLZ YES! So excited! I am the acting jazz volunteer and oh man has it been fun.
Opening night was a great success and today was flippin awesome! Btw, there's this sax guy, i'm prety sure just listening to him solo for a while i'd be able to get off. No lie there. I need to find a younger, non-married with children version of him and i'll be set.

ANYWAYS! Yeah, i've been busy coordinating stuffs, having fun, listening, drinking, eating, socializing, awesome times!
i'm still pretty happy about the way the concert I played in tonight went and still trying to calm myself down after seeing the sax guy player tenor instead of alto.... suited him so much better and SO SEXY! zomg.... i'm just gonna try and get to bed and relieve myself of these thoughs.

I'm tired of getting hurt.

2011-06-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

(I took that picture btw. It's a carnation in our house).

K, so I think i''m just gonna give up on this guy thing. They're a waste of time and all the do is cause heartache and a headache. I need to find a way to hardwire my mind to either not care anymore to think that guys are the worst thing in the entire world. As busy as i've been, all that's been on my mind is what if there isn't anyone out there for me? Honestly, have you ever heard of a guy who likes musicology and music history, doesn't like clubbing or partying and would rather a quiet night in anytime, is old fashioned and would be chivarous, would enjoy talking about anything and everything and debate music history and NOT have sex right off the bat? That's what i'm looking for right there. There's nothing like that. Not here anyways and here is where i'm staying. I'm sick and tired of jerks using me to get what they want. I thought the guy I went out with was amazing and sweet and perfect. We held hands back at his place, we cuddled and it felt so nice, and we kissed which was great. And then he went all guy like on me and started to think with his member and not his head. I don't understand. I just want something meaningful. Is that so hard to ask? I know these things are supposed to happen in time but why do all these other crappy things have to happen between the gap and screw wih my head even more? A break up was bad enough, then a hook up and then other hook up, bith with guys I liked alot. The latest guy I really did like and I wish that he didn't move so fast. ANd the sad part is it probs won't work out because i'm not a sexual person. I'd rather cuddle and kiss than do that other stuff. And he's the exact opposite. And the kicker? He said he didn't want to hurt me. How many of us girls have heard that before and then gotten our heart pulled out and had someone do the mexican hat dance on it (full house reference anyone?) ? I just want a nice guy around, not even a boyfriend, but a guy that I can call a best friend, hang out with, talk with, chill with. I have hardly any friends down here in leth and those that I do are all girls and are all in a relationship or on the verge. So this is what it feels like all over again when you're the only one out of your group of friends that is single. Moving back to Calgary sounds better and better everyday.

On the bright side I hit it off again with an old friend. She was roommate with my ex and since my ex didn't like her... you get the picture. But now that my ex is my ex and my roommate is good friends with her, her and I are friends again. We had a great talk walking back to her place yesterday and such and yeah. Nice having another friend around.

Erlkonig.

2011-06-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's right. I referenced another lied titled. This week is the Erlkonig by Franz Schubert. Yeah, the lied loosely fits with how my week was. The Erlkonig is a norse myth of a creature/monster at night and in goethe's poem set to music by Schubert, there is a boy, his father, the erlkonig and the horse personified by the piano. The voice part emulates all three people in this lied where the Erlkonig is tempting the little boy and frightening him all the while his father is like 'it's ok my son, relax, there's nothing there'. Then eventually the Erlkonig wins and kills the boy and leaves the father in shock because he didn't believe his son.

Now what does this have to do with my week? Firstly, it was the first lied titled I could think of that wasn't A)by Schumann or B) about love. Secondly, the Erlkonig was my week. I didn't see all of what was happening and then it hit me and there was so much. All the while my brain is telling me it's all fine. Then yesterday as it slowed down it hit me all what had happened and it was crazy everything that happened this week.

I had my second arky midterm which i'm pretty such I did horrible on, I was at my placement for Ed 2500 all week to make up for the day I missed last week (so this means I was there on friday which I don't usually have to be there for), I presented my microteach which is a little lesson for the kids all on your own, I had a "date" I suppose you could call it with someone who I really do like but really got to know that night, I house sat again for a night, two big band rehersals on tuesday and thursday til 9-11 (fun fact: I actually got a chance to nap on fourth floor before the thursday rehersal being I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep thanks to my late night "date" but it was an awesome hour and a half nap), I worked and didn't have to do any till work which rocked, and I got up every morning at 7. Holy cow. This week was just as busy as the last. This upcoming week won't be so bad though. The jazz fest starts this thursday which I am so excited for! Also I start my cake deco class on wednesday. Awesome sauce!

TOO BUSY!

2011-06-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

tee hee. That picture is funny.

Anyways... SO FREAKING BUSY! This week: wake up 7:15 to cath 8:00 bus to get to placement. 8:50-12:00pm in classroom, walk 30 minutes back to university, 20 mins for lunch, free class in which I left at 145, waited around 3 hours jsut to say to someone who left their office talking to someone so I wasted 3 hours for nothing, got home at 5, bloody miserable (luckily my roommate cheered me up by leaving an entertainment section on my desk before she left for work) and I attempted to study arky for the rest of the night. Tuesday: wake up 715 for bus at 8, in classroom 850-12, walk back to school for arky at 1, midterm, class ends at 350, bus home, hang out with visiting Dad from 6-8, read on 4th floor til 9, big band rehersal from 9-11, get home at 1130, bed. Wednesday: wake up 715, bus at 8, in class from 850-12 with a sub not my regular TA, walk back to school, seminar til 350, bus home, practice/eat/kind of relax, get phone call to house sit for thursday night after 9-11 big band rehersal for a prof, and that brings me to now. I'm leaving for the 830 bus soon to meet up with a guy to go see a movie. Hope that goes well. Then up again at 715 to get to school and I have a lesson to teach at 530, get back to the uni and big band practice 9-11 again.

I cannot wait til Saturday.

So I wasn't expecting that at all!

2011-06-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

So I survived my hell week. All of my nights ending at at least 1030 (which is late for me) and being up since at least 630 or 7ish. It taught me great time management. But not all of it was hell.

Yesterday was the last convocation I had to play. I love playing convocation, easiest money i'll ever make. But more importantly I get to play with my friends and fellow music collegues for the last time until September. But there are downsides like playing the pieces so many times that you've memorized it all by the second and last day ha ha. But today was the music graduates! So excited! And the prof I like was there. Man did that ever make me happy. That was the sole thought fueling me through my hell week. Anyways, during the space inbetween the first and second convocation on friday I decided to go down to 7th floor to listen to my ipod and get away from everyone and everything. While walking down the side of the library I saw his light in his office on and I hoped to dear God he'd be there. I saw him pop out of his office a few times but then, the last time I saw him, he came down the hallway, smiled and nodded and said hi to me. That made me so happy. I'm so glad things aren't awkward after I sent that email.

Then the rest of the day got worse from there. The last convo felt like the end of a marathon. Then while we waited for the grads to walk the stage and had our free time I got really angry at some things my roommate said. She had created an event for her birthday party and already, the day of, 7 people were coming. I texted her this and she said yeah, I hope it's ok that I have the party at our place being yours didn't work out. I told her to drop that. Then she said I know but I don't want any hard feelings if mine works out because yours was a bust. Ouch. I really didn't want to talk about it because yeah mine was a bust. But she made it up to me pretty big time. After the convocation I got down to work, had a long day on my feet but then things started to look up. It was about half an hour til closing and my manager saw me and asked if I was ok. 'You're looking a bit suicidal'. Of course she said it in a playing way not fully serious but she literally said that. ANd it helped my mood drastically. No one noticed I was angry or sad or tired and the fact that my boss did meant the world. The rest of the night went by nicely after that. Then I texted my roommate sayin i was going to the slice to see Dave Renter play and she told me I needed to come home because she got something. I sighed and waited around for her to pick me up and when we got home, i hauled my tenor in, took off my shoes and...

SURPRISE! 5 of my dear friends popped up in various places and laughed at my shocked face. I was touched. I walked to give them hugs and then another friend popped out of the closet. Zomg heart attack and a half. We had cake, talked, played werwolves and munchkins, and then it was almost 1am so everyone went home. I was so grateful that my roommate put that together. It's nice knowing people care on a day you were ready to just stop trying with people and live for yourself only. I was just so sick and tired of being dissapointed and hurt but today helped out a ton and I hope things turn out for the better. Thank you everyone who came over and gave me something to be happy about when I thought my birthday would be shit (aside from the awesome oshos and stuff with nat!)

Something's been puzzling me tonight...

2011-06-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

How is it that the people who say you need to hang out with more people are the people who are outgoing, incredibly social and have never been unpopular in their life? When people tell me to hang out with more people and that they'll introduce me to their friends i'm usually stuck going out late at night, get introduced and then kind of left out of the convo. Sure I could join in but what do I know about what's going on in firespinning, the new name contest for the club and everything that that group talks about? It's nice that friends what to try but I don't think they realize where they would make friends and where I would is so different. I'd rather meet friends at a nice quiet lounge or jazz bar (if we had one of those in Lethbridge...) or library. Not the live music bar, rave club, or night club. Plus i'm so not a night owl. This is late for me. Past 11pm unless i'm doing something uber fantastic like watching the symphony or hanging out with musicologists (oh dear God I wish I had friends who wanted to be musicologists), i'm useless. I don't do late nights, I do early mornings.

I don't mean to be rude when saying this but I hope the people who tell me to go hang out with more people read this and realize it's better if I find friends on my own. I'm not a firespinner and if I did talk to them it would probably just be about my roommate who is in firespinning because that's all we'd have in common. I'm not a night owl and would rather rise with the sun rather than lurk in the moonlight. I'd rather listen to jazz or classical music than hear blaring guitars and basses turned up to full volume after a long day of school and work. And I can't change this nor will I change this to find new friends. I'd be dead anyways and wouldn't be socialable at all as witnessed tonight.

Anyways, that's my rant for now. I need to go to bed. Ciao for now.

Epic Adventures and more...

2011-05-31T06:12:00.001-07:00

So yesterday was my 20th birthday. It was pretty great. I had practicum in the morning with my little adorable grade 2's who gave me a present and sang happy birthday. Man they make me feel so welcomed and I have no idea what I would be doing without them. I honestly wanted to cry right then and there. They've only known me for about two or three mornings and they still gave me hugs, all signed a card, all sang happy birthday to me and all know my name and greet me every morning. I've never wanted to be a teacher so badly in my life.

After ed 2500 I walked back to the school with one of the other ed students there and we have a lovely chat. I then went to harass Tom whether or not i'm playing tenor or alto at convocation and of course he wasn't there and still hasn't gotten back to my emails. Oh well. Speaking of convocation though I heard to today that there will be none of a certain low brass instrument. That, as horrible as it is, makes me happy. I've been doing so well coping and stuff lately, and i'm sure i'm over him, but seeing him would just infuriate me and everything would be awkward for the rest of the week. But the fact that i've heard they can't get time off work made my day that much brighter.

Anyways! Then I had ed 2500 seminar which I could have done without but oh well. Then my roommate came and picked me up and we dropped my stuff off at home and went to marble slab on major magrath. I saw one of my friends working and we stayed to chat for a bit. Then we went to Henderson park to walk and take pictures and then we went to a candy store by downtown and got some candy ha ha. We then went roaming around the Northside and found the wal-mart and then we went roaming some more and then we went to homes alive where I ran into a friend who in turn showed us animals and chatted with us for well over an hour. That was nice. You can see a picture of a gecko I held above ha ha. Then we went to Osho's for supper which was amazing. I want to have a first date there in the traditional rooms. SO nice! And the food was amazing! I adored the tempura mwa ha ha ha. Then after we went home, watched an episode of prison break and ate cake and then bed time for me because I had to be up this morning at 7. But instead my body woke me up at 630 -.- Oh well, great birthday!!! I adore my roommate for taking the night off and helping me have a good birthday.

Well i'm off to start the first day of my hell week. I'll be up and running from now til 11pm. >.< Ciao for now!

May 27th, 2011

2011-05-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

Well, this week has been interesting. I had the best long weekend in Calgary hanging out with one of my old high school friends at her place, seeing family again, it was nice. Coming back I saw Pirates 4 with a few friends and then tuesday it was right back to school with a midterm in Arky. Wednesday was my first day in practicum which is the best placement ever for me. I'm at FLVT and my TA and the kids in that class are fantastic. They make me smile everyday. Thursday was practicum again which was wonderful, arky which was boring, and a sax lesson which was wonderful. But after all of that I was really tired and I had a wicked headache. I was going to go see a saxophone player down at the slice, but all the people who I was going to go with never replied to me.

Which brings me to my pet peeve of the week: being ignored. I sent a few messages out this week, to an old high school friend who was in Calgary the same time I was to hang out, to a U of L graduate asking some questions about graduation and GPA's, to a few friends who were interested in seeing Brett Mah. All of them ignored me and never sent me a reply. Look, I understand if you're busy, but does it really take that long to say sorry no or I don't know? I've been ignored all my life; kids ditching me in the playground, having few friends, never really being the popular kid. And that's just fine, i'm getting used to it. But when I try to make an effort to hang out with more people, get to know people, i'd hope they'd make an effort back. Is that too much to ask? Are my standards too high? Sometimes I do wonder if that golden rule we learnt in elementary stuck in anyone elses head.

Then the icing on the cake. Somewhere in that day I checked my facebook and I was supposed to be having a birthday party today. Just a quiet get together with some friends watching movies and playing games. Nothing big. My roommate couldn't come. My friend from Calgary couldn't come. My roommate and I invited at least a dozen people and all of them didn't reply or were on the maybe list. The three people on the attending list were 1: reminded incestantly at the Tyler Hornby Gig 2 Told they had time to come after saying they had kungfu and 3 was the only person who responded of their own free will. That hurts. I was hoping I made a few more friendships and care enough about my "friends" that they'd want to come. I know people work, and they're busy, but no one even bothered to say can we re-schedule? or I have work, sorry i'd like to be there (one person did that I think). Again, is this asking too much? I miss all of my friends in Calgary. I had the best birthday parties ever there. Now that I stay in Lethbridge I don't have any of those amazing friends who would be there in a heartbeat. And I guess that's life. So when I cancelled the party, my roommate texts me asking if i'm ok and stuff and then tells me the exact same thing my ex always used to tell me in around the same words: you need to go out more, hang out with more people, be more social.

It's not as easy as it sounds guys. And i'm sorry i'm not as social as you or have as much free time as you. I know for a fact that between my ex and my roommate they have a ton of friends who would hang out with them in a snap (and if they argued with me i'd be able to prove my point so easily). I don't have that, not in Leth anyways. I don't know why but making friends is hard for me. I'd do anything for my friends, I try to put them in my highest priority. But maybe it's time for things to change. Why put effort into something that doesn't appreciate it or do anything back? I guess it really is a dog-eat-dog world.

One good thing from all of this though is that I didn't turn fully to drink yesterday. I texted a friend first asking them to stop me from drinking because some words hurt me deep. It took them a few minutes to reply, and by the time she did I had a bottle of wine at my side. I had enough to get a bit dizzy but then I stopped. I know it's not right and that it's a destructive habit. But where do you turn when your roommate is working, no one online knows what's going through your head and your ashamed of letting anyone else know?

I know this has been a long post, and thank you if you've read this far. Maybe one or two people will. By this point in the post a few tears have trickled out of my eyes. There is one person I want to thank. You're really close to me ex. And sometimes it's hard for me to talk to you because of how close you are with him and how much you remind me of him. But through all of my mood swings and bad habits and horrible turns you've stuck around. Thanks for being a great friend and understanding it's not that easy for me to make friends. Of all the people who've told me I need to go out more, you said you understand and that I should do what I can. Everyone else always tries to help me by telling me to go out to nightclubs with them and do what THEY like. I'm not going to meet anyone there. You said go to places I like. And that means the world to me. I'm sorry for always being a pill and i'm trying my hardest to get better. I promise I am. <3

One of the most friggin epic intense nights i've had in FOREVER!!!! (or what feels like forever)

2011-05-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

OMG! So last night I went down to the tounge and groove to see Dave Renter and his trio plus special guests play. One of the special guests was Tyler Hornby, this amazing, super adorable drummer! Needless to say I got a picture with him ha ha. Then a friend of mine who I invited down there said to bring my tenor and a real book. So I Adid. As I was leaving Dave noticed and invited me up to play. Needless to say I was so nervous but it was SO much fun! I was all smiles and happy and felt good, which I haven't in a while, not like that. I don't know why i'm ever so nervous to perform. I always feel SO good afterwards. I played 3 tunes with them: Freedie Freeloader, Have you met miss jones? (rhythm changes, needless to say I was SO terrified!), and Black Orpheus. SO MUCH FUN! Got home at midnight, had a ton of fun. NOW to post pictures of this glorious event!

I'm bloody miserable.

2011-05-14T19:57:00.001-07:00

I'd rather use bloody than an alternative but either way it sums up the same thing: i'm miserable.

That email from the prof? Everyone says he's letting me down gently. That was the one thing that made me feel liberated and happy and now it's being torn to bits. Friends to turn to? My roommate is always working (I understand it but it sucks), all my close friends are in Calgary and the ones in Lethbridge are all working and don't give a rats ass if we keep in touch or not. No one tries. Just one night, just one, I try to set up a little get together and I put effort into texting people, posting fb status', asking people to invite friends. Everyone one of them said busy, no, or didn't even reply. Everytime I try to do some sort of get together it fails. The only exceptioon would be the sax party we had at the begining of the year. And even that took a while to finalize. I'll never have a true group of friends will I? God I miss High School and Jr high. I had the best group of friends then ever. University feels like elementary all over again; being judged, not being liked, being ditched all the time because of how I look or how 'uncool' I am (you might think people are over that stuff but we all know it's not true and we can all name the popular crowd), being the keener teachers pet who just wants to do well... why am I so unstable? WHy the hell do I always feel like this? ANd why does it feel like no one ever cares? I swear I should just be sent to a psychiatric ward and be left there out of everyones hair, one less problem, one less person.

I really don't want any comments, if anyone does care. It's all the same people and it's all the same advice. I"m sorry but as much as I appreciate the same people saying the same old things, it gets tiring and most of the time I don't believe the advice. I'm trying to be all brave by putting on makeup, loving my outfits, trying to put on a big smile, but at the end of the day, none of it matters does it?

Im wunderschönen Monat mai

2011-05-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

If you're a music major and have takenn a romantic history course, I hope you'll appreciate the blog title. It's the first lied in Schumann's lied cycle 'Dicterliebe'. Translated, it means: In the Lovely Month of May. It was written in 1840, the beginning of his years of song (this happened because of his marriage to Clara Wieck in 1840) and are lied composed to the poetry of Henrich Heine. Many of the lied in this cycle center around a common theme, like many lied cycle. The theme is the theme of love in Dicterliebe. Why the title? Today I went to the library on the west side and found only one CD with ANY Rober Schumann on it and it was that of his lied cycle Dichterliebe and various lieder composed by Brahms. I had mistaken the cycle for that of Liderkreis and was hoping to hear a recording of Mondnacht (beautiful night) but was pleasantly surprised when I heard this blogs title. I had heard the recording in history class and when I heard it today I automatically thought of my professor. Now, i'm pretty sure i've written about him before on here, but there's been a bit of a break through.

Life is too short to keep things locked inside of us. I know i've never been one to take risks but honestly i'm fed up of worrying all the time and not taking the risks and worry about what I could have done or what could have happened. So I emailed him and told him of my feelings. I then asked if he could reply and tell me if it was inappropriate or what he thought. A few days went by and I felt miserable not knowing his reaction and was growing impatient and regretting my email. Then I got a reply. He said he admired my courage and I had his respect. He agreed with me that life is too short and said he enjoyed working with me this semester and is looking forward to the next. Then the usual routine of have a good summer, relax, etc. Now I don't know what to think of that. I've been fretting and disecting his email to bits in the past few days. There's a hole in there and I don't know what he was trying to avoid. Is it good for me or is this a nice way of saying it ain't happening? I know the whole dating someone older, especially a prof is so taboo, but you can't choose who you like, you can't tell your brain someone is or isn't handsome to you and you definetely cannot tell your heart to get over it when you have even a bit of hope something could happen. I just don't know what my next move is. I could email back and ask but I don't want to seem smothering. Then on the other hand I could wait and see if he makes his move next because me sending an email was a HUGE move but then i'm a very impatient person and would go insane. WHAT DO I DO!!!??? Augh men....

Anyways, today I woke up at 8, ate breakfast and watched an episode of rugrats then little britain, dressed, went to the crossings branch (took out a Poncho Sanchez CD, Simon Keenlyside which is the singer of the lied, the canadian tenors CD, two student budget cook books and a live person Deathnote DVD), then went downtown. I deposited a check, picked up a piece of music at L&M (Pulcinella by Bozza, so excited!), went to surf the mall (got a cute new summer dress, a tank top and 3 new tops at bluenotes), ate sushi for lunch, then read in galt gardens then hung out with an old high school friend who is in my ed 2500 class. That was nice. Then got a ride home, made dinner and watched Little Britain and Gabriel Iglasias comedy special. Now i'm blogging and gonna go to bed soon. No roomate around to chill with because she's working and has been for the past little while and no one is really free around this time anyways. Le sigh... oh well I don't mind thinking and day dreaming in bed. Ciao!

Risk taking to totally worth it (in this instance).

2011-05-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, i'd like to start by saying I took that picture to the right... isn't it awesome!? I'm so proud of how close I got to the butterfly and my zoom and my camera =)

Secondly, i'd like to draw your attention to the title. A few days ago I sent an email to the prof mentioned in previous posts about my crush on him. Life's too short I said and it needed to be off my chest and I felt he should know. He replied to me today and I couldn't have imagined a better response. In short, he admired my courage and honestly, agreed that life is too short and I felt I tapped into his sensitive side, which was really nice. I'm not going to go into greater detail than that, but i'm very happy I took that risk and went for it because now I have a greater friendship with him and that's all I could ask for.

Another point i'd like to say is that if anyone who knows me is reading these posts, please don't try to guess who these people are. I'm keeping them anonymous for a reason. I don't mean to be rude or anything but I just don't want things to be more complicated than they are.

With that being said, today was pretty wonderful aside from getting up at 545 to be at a school for Ed. 2500. It wasa great experience and the teacher had a ton of useful things to say, relaxing til seminar class was nice reading more of God Never Blinks and got paid for the house sitting I did, the seminar was great, and then I recieved the profs email. My Dad came too and everything is going very nicely.

I don't know what my next step is, but in taking that risk of emailing that prof, I think my confidence has gone out the roof compared to how I was with my ex. I don't think he'd ever read this but if he is: thank you for not taking me back when you said you were going to. Things are turning out well with me; a job, confidence, a great new place, new friends, great summer classes and profs to go with them; just a lot. I'm not saying you blocked all of that when we were together, but now i'm not settling for anyone who doesn't like me for me and I learned a lot about relationships with you. I'm not changing for anyone, and I tried to mold myself into your perfect girl. That's not who I am. So even though it pissed me off that you kept me hanging on for that one day and then said you woke up the next morning and decided we should split, things are turning out well for me. I'm not ready to hang out right now though, and something tells me I probably won't hang out with you (and if I do it won't be for a longgg time) especially because you're not trying either to make things 'not awkward' like you said in the end but thanks. All is forgiven I suppose.

ps. again, if you know who i'm talking about i'm not trying offend anyone. I'm just saying my two cents in an anonymous matter; you chose to read fully aware of my intentions for this blog. Please don't violate the vagueness.

God Never Blinks.

2011-05-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

So, as of yesterday I have officially worked one week. It's pretty intense. I'm excited that I actually have a decent job that pays well and is exactly what I want/need. Then to either mess that up or add on top, I have a new saxophone student who is having their lesson at 230 on Saturday. Augh... that kind of fudges up my work hours but that's ok.

Anyways, i'm doing better. I went to see a doctor because I had the worst anxiety attack ever a few days ago. I feel like I was going to faint two or three times, I got sick (I think that was because of the food), I started to twitch and my heart and chest started to clamp up again. I don't think the attacks are a serious problem but I needed to check anyways. My Mom thought it was a sign of my time of the month and if it is I don't like it. An anxiety attack instead of cramps? No thanks. But either way I got sent to a blood test and I haven't had an attack since so I think i'm ok. My time of the month would be the only thing that would trigger an attack for me right now because before the only thing to trigger it was school.

Speaking of school, I have my orientation for Ed. 2500 today! I'm pretty excited! That and I don't have to work. Yesterday was the day from hell at work. The morning was nice; 40 minute walk to church at 730am, church (the choir was so small!), my parents picked me up and we went for timmy's and to get our passport photos at Shoppers (where I got two books: God never blinks and The Book of Awesome Pt. 2) and then they dropped me off at work and went back to Calgary safe and sound. I hate seeing them go but I knowi'll be up to see them sometime again.

Also today i'm ushering at the symphony. One last chance to see that handsome Violin player play for the summer... I'm excited to go see the concert though, not just for him.

Two sides to every story...

2011-05-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

I like to think my side of every story is the most accurate you'll ever hear it and the other side is a complete waste of time, but I guess that's how everyone feels huh?

I haven't updated in a long time because my roommate and I have been moving in (refer to a picture to the left, that's what it was like when we first starting moving stuff in haha) and i've been working (first job yay!) and balancing friends and stupid boys.

Yup, you guessed it, the guy before is messing with my mind and I don't like it. I can't do this whole 'benefits thing' if you consider kissing a benefit. It's too easy to get sucked in, especially if the kiss is nicer than it should be for a non-relationship. Whatever, I just want boys out of my life or at least one who can stick around, be friends til i'm ready for a new guy and then ACTUALLY promise he'll never hurt me and won't fuck up my mind like all the others have. And it better not be long distance. Been there, done that. Not happening.

April 28th, 2011

2011-04-28T07:16:00.001-07:00

Life is so much easier when you go for what you want and you don't give a crap. Sometimes don't even think it through.

Yesterday I learned this through trial and error. Woke up at 6 and 9, both woken up by the dogs, then fed them and left at 10 to catch the bus to do some errands around the Uni. Oh and I unblocked my ex on fb today taking a leap of faith. Then I see him on the bus and all around the school... c'mon life I did one thing don't throw me in with the sharks already. Anyways, I ran into the prof I have a crush on which made things a ton better after seeing my ex, then I packed up my locker, got my deposit off of that and got a May bus pass. Pretty productive. Then I packed up my room in residence and that took my two hours and then I met up with a friend to review for our final in logic tomorrow. Good stuff. Then I watched some episodes of avatar the last air bender, went back to house-sit and then made a leap of faith.

You know that guy who I was estatic that we kissed and then got pissed off cause this girl sent him a text that royally screwed things up? Yeah well after being totally mad I decided you know what? He won't be around much longer, and I really do like him so imma milk this. So I texted him and asked him to meet up with me at my new place which is a 10 min walk from where i'm house sitting. He said yes about two hours after I sent the text, but none the less I decided not to be mad but to just walk over there (it was friggin cold!) and have a good time. Turns out I did. He brought a house warming gift of chocolate raspberry port, we talked about the place, then about him, and eventually settled in my disaster zone of a room, layed down pillow and talked about us and life. It was nice. And then we cuddled... there's just something about laying down with someone you like, the way you feel when you're in their arms, or how they smell or their heartbeat... it's all so entrancing. And then he said 'here's something I want to do if I never get a chance again' and kissed me. I know it's nothing permanent and we discussed that, but it feels natural when we kiss (not to get all gooey and romantic, plus I doubt he'd read this anyways). Plus i'm learning to just not get too attatched and live in the moment. I told him that too and we had a great time. We laughed, kisses softly, kissed roughly, talked, just layed there. It was really nice.

Then I got home at 11 and went to bed which brings me to today. I have a logic final at 2, back to house sit when i'm done and then hopefully some more moving in once the people who i'm house sitting for get back at 8ish. It should be a good and productive day.

Besides, i'm learning how to just go with the flow. If you knew me, you'd know that's a huge step.

April 26th, 2011

2011-04-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

So remember that post a few days ago about the guy? That's history. After recieving a text from someone about us he thought I told everyone which I didn't and I would definetely not tell this person. Then we discussed stuff and agreed what happened made everything a lot more complicated. Then he had the nerve to keep me on the hook when I asked him the simple question of 'is anything gonna happen'. He said he thought there could be etc etc, asked my thoughts then told me about his decision which automatically vetos out the idea of anything happening. The worst part is i'm thrown right back into the vortex of hating guys, coping with losing yet another guy and trying to avoid and ignore yet another guy.

Why does all of this have to happen to me? I had the best easter weekend ever getting new stuff for the new place, seeing my family again, spending time with my Mom and Dad, feeling happier than I have in a long time. Then as soon as I get back to house sitting the guy screws that all up and pisses me off. Maybe i'm looking too much into this but either the girl who sent him a text was talking about another girl which makes him a player (and consequently a liar because he said he wasn't using me) or he is ashamed that people would know. All I know now is guys are trouble and they better leave me the hell alone or they're gonna find out i'm not gonna be interested for a longgggg time. Unless they are the most perfect, chivelrous, charming, funny and adorable guy which I probably won't ever meet, then i'm staying single for most likely a long time. As long as i'm busy i'm ok with this. I have a job now, i'm taking a summer semester of uni and my roomate and I have a ton of packing and unpacking to do. Maybe i'll become my normal self again. Maybe.

April 23rd, 2011

2011-04-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

Well good morning! Day one of house sitting complete. They have three dogs... oh man. One likes to growl at me whenever I eat or even when I walk past her, another one loves to play fetch and the last one is kind of quiet. But overall it's been a pretty relaxing day. We played fetch a few times, they took a few naps and they all ran around outside for a while before I went to have supper with my parents. I got to crochet a bit but I mostly hung out with the dogs. Today i'm going matress shopping with my parents and going to the new place again today to sign the lease and get a few things moved in! Hurray!

I'm still a bit miffed about the whole guy thing... I really like him. But I guess all I can do is pray and hope that he stays here.

I'll probs write more later. Ciao!

Life is awesome; must blog!!!!

2011-04-21T09:52:00.001-07:00

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I am having one of the best weeks in a longggg time.

So yesterday was my mskills and history final. I know I passed mskills and history was probs one of the easiest tests; I finished in an hour and a half, not even.

Then after I got out of history I got a text from this guy I really like and have liked for a while... we went out for a drink, then a blizzard, then walked around town while frolicking on parks and then ended up at the coulees at the uni. We sat down on the bench coulee (a coulee with a bench on it ha ha) and just sat in the serenity of nature. Then I asked what he was thinking about and he took my hand... *sigh*. Yeah. Then it was getting kind of chilly so we went back to my place, had some water and were sitting on the couch. I asked him what he wanted to do and he looked at me for a few seconds and then said 'to hell with it' and kissed me.... *sighs again*. Yeah. That was a wondeful night. I know it might seem too soon being my ex and I broke up almost a month ago but it was nice knowing someone cares and that guys don't find you hideously unattractive.

Then that brings me to today. I woke up with butterflies in my stomach from thinking of the evening before and went to go write my theory test. What a longgggg test. But before the test, my prof who is also my jazz and studio prof asked me house sit. That's kind of exciting that he thinks of me as a trustworthy and reliable person. So of course I said yes! And when I finished my test he talked to me more about this and also asked if I was interested in being a part of a big band for the leth jazz festival! OMG. I'm pretty friggin excited AND he said for tenor too!!! Not that I hate alto but my tenor is my baby and I will take ANY chance I get to play it. Oh man, i'm terrified if I solo though... if i'm playing with big names.... oh man now I gotta stop thinking about that because that makes me kind of nervous.

Anyways! That's pretty much my awesome past few days. Tomorrow I house sit and my parents might be coming in that night or the next morning so we can sign the lease on nat and my new house!!!! YAY!!!!

.... KIT FRENCH!!!!

2011-04-19T09:34:00.000-07:00

I really had to put this post up. I just watched parachutes new music video with lady antebellum called kiss me slowly. Close up on wills gorgeous blue eyes... his sexy voice... Kit French... that band is amazing. And Kit French.... *melts*. He sings, plays keyboard and saxophone! *fan girls out* Ok, i'm good now ha ha.

April 19th, 2011

2011-04-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

Woot! Today is the 19th! My favourite number! It was Joe Sakic's jersey number ha ha.

Well yesteday went well. I tried to keep myself busy until my jury at 315. I got my money for the damage deposit for our new place and applied at winners. Oddly enough, not even an hour after I dropped off my resume I got an interview! Today at 230! Woot! Wish me luck! I hope I get a job. But speaking of jobs, my teaching job at long and mcquade... I have a new saxophone student! He's starting grade 6 and is so excited!!! So am I!!!!Things are finally getting back to normal. I'm feeling so much more confortable with my life.

My jury went well. I'm not going to jynx it by saying it went uber awesome but I was proud. The only thing that scared me was I took the fifth movement of the tableaux de provence too fast and had marcus scrambling on the piano. Oops.. ha ha.

At around 7 we went to the house of the person who is renting the place and dropped off the application and money which was a load off our backs. But before that I made a mistake. I texted someone I probably shouldn't have. We hardly talked even though they said they didn't want things to be awkward and wanted to stay friends. I think that's the hardest thing to understand about a break up. As much as you want to stay in contact, it's so hard. There's too much history and neither person wants to put any effort in. I don't want to say hi because I know i'll just get dissapointed and sad and i''m pretty sure they don't want to talk to me because I said I needed time. It would be nice to know you still care (if you ever did...). Oh well, it's been almost a month since stuff has ended and my life is eventually coming together again.

Now, I just got off the phone with the mental health day treatment center in the hospital. I wanted some info on group therapy for treating anxiety and stress. They said I need a refereal but the lady on the phone was incredibly nice. I needed that conversation. It was nice to know that people care somehow for people they don't even know. They then refered me to the lethbridge family services for some lower key counselling. I had to leave a voicemail but I hope something comes together. It woud be nice to meet some people in same kind of situation as me. I was this anxiety gone and half of the time I don't know what spawns it. My chest tightens, I get short of breath, I start to sweat and worry, I twitch and feel like I need to move around, and sometimes I get hot flashes that I can't explain. The worst part of it all is I feel like i'm going to have a heart attack. Not that i've ever had one but it's the scariest feeling, especially when it's in the middle of the night. I just want it gone.

Well, i'm watching full house right now which always cheers me up and i'm also studying for my music history exam tomorrow. I hope I do well. I'm sure I will i'm just now sure on how sure I am ha ha (that made sense in my head ha). Well i'm off.

April 18th, 2011

2011-04-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

Ha ha cause i'm so awesome like that.-->
Anyways! Well today is my jury day! Wish me luck! I'm not really that nervous for this playing exam, but I probs will be when it's closer to the time (3:15). My accompanist and I had a practice yesterday and I feel a lot more confident.
<

My roommate and I decided on a place to stay for the summer/next year though! HURRAY! It's a really nice basement suire (but it so doesn't feel like a basement) in Sundance. It's right across from paradise canyon, 5 min walk to the 12 bus stop and it's our own oasis. There's a walking path around a lake in practically our backyard, there are parks, and it's a quiet neighbourhood. Needless to say we're pretty excited. That's one less thing to worry about.

That's about all that's going on. I may write more later but we'll see. Ciao!

April 17th, 2011

2011-04-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

Wow. So I didn't even remember I still had this. I signed in with my google account and it astounds me how random I was back when I actually wrote in this. But I think I needed to see this. To see how much i've grown and learned. So that brings me to know. I'm 19, almost 20, studyiing music education at the University of Lethbridge and loving it (most of the time). There's a lot to be done, but it's worth it at the end of the semester. It doesn't seem like it at the time but the wave of release that comes after a semester and full year is almost instant. Plus seeing my wonderful GPA is always a plus and seeing some great marks after the final exam periods. Which kind of segways into why i'm trying to get back into this. I've been going through a ton of rough things: a break up with my first boyfriend, housing not offering me a place in a residence and scrambling to find a decent place to stay for next year, handling final exams ontop of all of that stress and anger and sadness, and trying to understand a crush I have on a prof who will be unnamed. I need a positive way to vent out what i'm feeling without putting my friends and family out of their way from hearing from me all the time. I know they say that's what they're there for, but that's what my ex said too and look at how we turned out. Plus if I happen to meet random people who comment on my blog that will help because i'm totally open to hearing new sides to stories. And even if there isn't anyone out there who cares enough to comment, i'm still going to keep writing. I want all this anxiety and stress and partial depression to GO AWAY. I'm sick of feeling down and overwhelmed so slowly but surely i'm finding ways to move on and hopefully find a silver lining to all of this darkness.

July 7th 2007

2007-07-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

Geez, I am missing so many days here!
Anyways, first off...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE SAKIC! <3>

margaret

July 4th 2007

2007-07-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was Teppo Numminen's birthday! Yay! Happy Birthday Teppo!

OK, so here's the thing. Today, July 4th, I ran into something that I think needs to be established. All these ten year olds claim they "love" a certain musician or actor, but they don't even know what love is at that age. You may have a great lust or big crush on them, but thats not love. Not even close. I dunno, I say I love Teppo Numminen and Joe Sakic all the time... and Kevin Jonas <3,>

-Margaret

July 1st 2007

2007-07-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

HAPPY CANADA DAY! Well, not much happened today. I went to my grandma's to eat with family, then I went grocery shopping and I ran into one of my graduating friends! Stefan! Woot! And then i ran into a family friend. After that I didn't do much... I stayed up until 11 watching family guy and the simpsons and Titanic! lol. When I heard the fireworks I decided to go to bed. Anyways... talk to you later!

June 30th 2007

2007-07-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well, i went shopping and got stuff. Thats good ha. Then I went and saw ratatouille. Other than that not much happened. I haven't really been working that hard on my summer to do list being I only have a month (not even) to complete it. Babysitting almost all of august... gah. Anyways. yeah. The jonas brothers kick ass... can't wait for high school musical 2, and yeah.

-Margaret

June 29th 2007

2007-06-29T11:32:00.001-07:00

Ok, I am going to start to take my summer list of things to do seriously.

1)Find Priape! [1322, 17th Avenue SW]
2)Walk down 17th ave at least one and count how many places have a rainbow pride flag on their doors.
3)Get pictures of all the best scenic views that I like.
4)Volunteer or get a job at the library.
5)Lose a few pounds.
6)Go to the Calgary Tower
7)Go to the zoo
8)Go to the U of C bookstore
9)Go to Megatunes [932 17 Avenue SW]
10)Go to training camp (hockey or lacrosse!)
a11)Finish reading Jesus the Family Tomb
12)Learn how to play that crazy riff for Impressions

a means I am in the process of doing that
~~event event~~ something that is striked means it is done.

Well, wish me luck! lol and if anyone is actually reading... can I get some proof you're out there? Leave a comment please! It will give my life and summer a meaning for a breif moment! (Can you tell how bored I am lol)
-Margaret

Later on....
THAT BASTARD! Ok, I have had a friend who was bored so he lied to me. And we were talking about a crush I had. YOU DON"T TOY WITH PEOPLES HEARTS WHEN YOU"RE BORED! And the worst thing is it's over msn so I can't really express my pain and anger.

June 28th 2007

2007-06-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so not much happened again either. I was on myspace for a while updating my profile to a new jazzy look, I took a few pics with my camera for profile pics, and I cleaned up a few places in the house. My Dad came home early from Edmonton, and I was supposed to babysit my little cousin at four but they didn't come until 6:30 or something like that. And my friend John got me all depressed because teh only thing he ever likes to talk about is who people like or he doesn't talk at all. Life sucks as soon as summer hits. I feel so emo around here. there isn't much to do around my area of town. You have to take a bus to get anywhere which sucks because half of the time I am lazy to even get to the bus stop right outside my house. So I end up moping around. Anyways I will write tomorrow, hopefully something interesting happens.

Margaret

June 27th 2007

2007-06-28T15:34:00.001-07:00

Ok, I bored out of my mind. I don't really have much to say. Nothing happened except cleaning, running into a friend at the mall, and going to the library and getting an awesome Coltrane book.

Margaret

June 25th and 26th 2007

2007-06-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

Ok so first off on the 25th, that was my math exam early in the morning. I hate math. My final mark in tat is 73%. Which I guess I don't mind, but I know I could have done better. After the exam I went to the library and returned my math 20 pure key (which didn't really help me) and the I went hope to relax. i pretty much slacked off the rest of that day.

On the 26th I had my religion exam and my final mark in that is 82%. nice. I said goodbye to a lot of grade 12's which I miss kinda, and I hung out with a person I used to like and now kinda don't hate anymore. It's weird how you can hate someone one moment, and then when you're forced into a situtation with them, you start to slowly like them again. Not romantically as before, but you can at least stand them. Meh. Anyways after the exam a couple of friends and I went to China town to get some bubble tea and then to Eau Claire to play some games at the arcade. At the arcade we got like 650 tickets off three tries at this once machine. It was so pro! It was the best last day of school ever. Well talk to you later.

Margaret

ps. The girl in the pic up there is my new obsession. Her name is audrey kitching. She's so hot!

June 24th 2007

2007-06-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, I had to write in here because something amazing is going to happen and I cannot forget. Sonny Rollins is playing at carnigie hall on sept. 18th 2007 in memory of the time he played there with the T. monk quartet. That is so awesome! I cannot wait. And plus I have come up with some more things to do over the summer.

1)Find Priape! [1322, 17th Avenue SW]

2)Walk down 17th ave at least one and count how many places have a rainbow pride flag on their doors.

3)Get pictures of all the best scenic views that I like.

4)Volunteer or get a job at the library.

5)Lose a few pounds.

6)Go to the Calgary Tower

7)Go to the zoo

8)Go to the U of C bookstore

9)Go to Megatunes [932 17 Avenue SW]

10)Go to training camp (hockey or lacrosse!)

11)Finish reading Jesus the Family Tomb

12)Learn how to play that crazy riff for Impressions

I will think of more later.

June 23rd 2007

2007-06-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

Omg, this is so frustrating. I have a piano recital tomorow, I still have to study for math, and my fingers seem to hate me because they don't want to play my recital piece. grrrrrrrr. Anyways other than that I am good. My math tutor came over and had the last tutoring session with me, and I watched a bit of HG razor ramon. I really don't have much to say so... Cya.

Margaret
Ps. I am so not japanese, that's just the japanese symbols for when HG says HOOOOOOOOO!

June 22nd 2007

2007-06-23T09:09:00.001-07:00

(I feel like writing in french so yeah)

Je desteste la biologie! Mon prof a mis des questions sur le test que elle n'a écrit pas sur le review pour le test. Le test n'était pas facille mais ce n'est pas difficile. Mais je suis tres bon parce-que le année proche j'ai l'autre prof de bio, et sa fille est mon ami! ça va... lol.

Autrement que cela, ma jour était ça va, mais ce n'était pas tres excitant. J'ai allée a l'ecole, j'ai etudié, j'ai parlé avec mon prof de musique. Il a dit que je suis une bien-aimé parce-que il plaisantait environ avec moi mais je n'ai pas su. Il a dit que il y a des chose que je peut faire de aide il mais quand j'ai dit 'juste ca?' il a dit non, non. C'était une blague. Tu es un bien-aimé. J'ai parlé avec mes amis, j'ai pris l'autobus, et j'ai allée a mon maison. Quand j'ai arivée, j'ai pris un couverture, ma iPod, le telephone, un boisson gazeux, et un oreiller. J'ai allée a l'extérieur et et je me suis bronzé. Apres ca j'ai vu le draft du hockey, et j'ai dormi.

Ah! Ca c'est court. Mais ok. Aurevoir!

Marguerite.

June 21st 2007

2007-06-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

TODAY KICKS ASS! Ok, so the morning was ok, waiting for the bus and crap but that's nothing. I got to the school and waited for Sarah so we could ask Tomcala our bio teacher some questions about the exam on friday. Tomcala wasn't there so we just asked her Dad who is also a bio teacher. I waited for about an hour and a half for sarah but that was fine. She then went to her French Social teacher to look over her test and I went to the room next door which was my eng. social teacher and studied biology. We then walked to the c-train, me drinking a chinoto (those things kick ass btw and pronounced key-no-to, not chin-oto. It's italian just like me!) While waiting I found a penny and that started my lucky day. She took the train south and I took it north to the library. I dropped off my book about josephus and my two cds (both eros rammazoti). I then got four jazz cd's (two coltrane, one hancock and one hawkins/young T. sax) and I came across the most luckiest chance ever. I was looking for the Bio 20 key at the library right and I asked someone to help me find the math one and the bio key. She couldn't find either. But guess what I found all on my own? MATH 20 PURE KEY! Yesssssss! Now I can go over that with my tutor! I really want that 80% in that class. I am soooo close if you call a 76 close. Then I saw this skateboarding thing where at least 100 skateborders took off near olympic plaza towards china town. It was sweet. I then took the train to TD square, got a grande iced orange mocha (omg that's a lot to remember let alone say) and waited for the 17. It only took 5 minutes unlike the usual half hour! I was on a roll. And plus I didn't have to pay for the starbucks because I had a gift card from winston for being a part of peer mediation. I got home, called my grandmas who didn't need me to go over there and now I am listening to my hancock CD featuring Michael Brecker. He is so pro.
Now for my feature talk. Today I got back my Music IB essay. What Music IB is is exploring the elements of music in pieces. Rhythm, form, instrumentation, orchestration, melody, harmony, metre, style, etc... So the essay was on two pieces of contrasting musical ideas. One was chosen by my Music IB teacher and one is chosen by us. the chosen piece was Steve Reich's city life, first movement. He's a minimalistic composer (meaning the piece is geared towards rhythm and context more than instrumentation or form.) so it proved to be a difficult write. And the piece I chose was the fourth movement of Symphonie fantastique Marche au supplice or March to the scaffold by Hector Berlioz. I got an 85% on my essay which I am very proud of. But the funny thing is that on my essay he wrote stuff and here's one thing he wrote:

Ha ha. Ok let me explain this one. I was talking about the form of the music. Now for each different form or new idea in the piece I used letters. A for the first idea, B for the next, etc. So I put it in the center of the page of the paragraph so it would stand out. Below it I started a paragraph explaining what each letter or form was in the context of the piece. He made a note saying where is this in the music, then he saw it and wrote '.... oh' and an arrow pointing to the actual explination. Now what's so funny about that you ask? Along with being a music teacher, he's an english teacher! Ha ha ha ha. You'd think eng. teachers would know to read the essay first before marking it. Plus he only had like ten essays to mark so I think he could have spared some time. O well.

That's all now. I may add more later, but I don't know how this day could get any better within realistic terms (in unrealistic terms Joe Sakic could come to dinner and bring Manon Rheaume with him and the bio and math finals could be cancelled and I wouldn't have to do them. But that would NEVER happen. But I can dream right?)

Margaret

June 20th 2007

2007-06-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

I hate fighting with myself. I always lose. Like I feel like getting out of the house but then I decide to stay here and mope around with nothing to do. Pathetic. Anyways, I have been playing e-mail tag with Sarah, talking about how Tomcala hasn't taught us anything about whats on the midter. Its stupid. Half of the stuff we have to teach ourselves. Mindless pathetic crap! i don't even need bio! I am going to be a music teacher and as a minor I want to do something along the lines of religion or helping out others. Not being a biologist! ugh so much stress for one course.
Anyways, I didn't do much yesterday but study and bicker so there isn't much I can write about.

But Brent Krahn is with the flames finally! I don't know if it was a two way contract with the "Quad City knights". What a lame name. The Omaha nights ruled! And that franchise has moved enough times. First they were the St. John Flames in Halifax, then they were the Omaha knights in nebraska, now they are the Quad City knights of nowheresville. At least the hitmen are staying in Calgary. But the preds... if they moved up to winnipeg i'd be the happiest person ever. My dad's family lives in Winnipeg and I go to visit them every summer and every second christmas. If Bettman does this one thing right in his whole moronic reign as commisioner I was thank him so much and I will not call him a loser for the rest of his career in hockey.

Another thing is Kimmo Timonen. THAT SUCKS! The philly flyers don't deserve him. And plus what they traded for him, are the people in the preds office on the crack! (ha ha little mosque on the prarie). He's worth more than a first round draft pick. Give the preds Gagne and we'll talk lol. And then give Gautier back to the flames. I miss that frenchman... sigh. He's so adorable. Ha ha and just looking at the roster for the flyers, the whole team is like 6 feel tall! I just noticed that with the NHL. Well if these guys are 6 feet, Chara must be 8. Ha ha.

AND WARPED TOUR IS HERE SOON! I entered myself in a nexopia draw to win a few tickets to the warped tour in Calgary. BAD RELIGION! WOOT!
Well talk to you later.

Margaret

June 19th 2007

2007-06-20T07:42:00.001-07:00

Omg! I had one of the craziest dreams last night. At AIBF there was a jazz soprano saxist and I haven't been able to forget him since. I haven't thought about him since late march but then I had a dream about asking people about him and meeting him and it scared me. I've never really dreamed about this guy, and now when I forget him he comes back. I don't even remember his name and i'm dreaming about him. But I do know he does to Lord beaverbrook high school, he plays a silver alto and a gold soprano (but what really is gold these days.. it was prob. brass). Let's just say it scared the hell out of me.
Anyways I was studying for bio the whole day. It gave me something to do but man... these last few tests really suck. I have bio on friday, math on monday and then religion (which I like and I am doing good in) on tuesday. I won't have to worry a lot about religion, but math and bio I do kinda care about. I need to get at least on 80 on math (that's something I should be dreaming about because I suck at math. I'm at a 76% right now) and on bio it's only a mid term but still... I want to boost up that 62%. (no, i am not a moron. Trust me, if you had my teacher you wouldn't be doing so well either. For me, it's all in the teacher. I hate them, i do bad, I like them, I do relatively good)

Hey, one of my friends just finished a story! if you have time check this out!
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2351183/1/

I love the story! Anyways thats all the time I have for today. See ya!

Margaret

June 18th 2007

2007-06-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

So today was pretty interesting. My back started up again which pissed me off. My back hates me along with my left leg and neck. Anyways I was listening to my Sons of Butcher CD all day. Meatlantis kicks ass! Then I watched season 6 of full house disc one while trying to study bio. Even though my teacher isn't physically here studying with me, I can feel her ignorance and moronic sense. So I decided to go play my tenor and change into my crazy nice new dress. I have a few pics so just scroll around to see them all.
So at around 2 I left the house and I went to my happy place, tom campbell hill and took a few pics. It was pretty fun. But then these dark clouds started coming so I started to walk to my grandma's. The thunder was so freaking loud! I almost started running because I thought was gonna get poured on. But weirdly enough it didn't rain. But it was cool.

So I just remembered a few things to add to my sumer list.

11)Finished reading "The Jesus Family Tomb" and reserve a day for the library to read Josephus' writings and other texts noted in the book.

12)Hang out with someone!

There. Now here's the legend to the pics.

1)The top right one is the best part of Tom Campbells hill. The best view and that's where I am going to go to watch Stampede fire works.

2)The pic beside this is me in my dress! Isn't it nice?

3)The one randomly in the middle is the view of Calgary (at least a partial view) Downtown from Tom Campbell's Hill.

And that's it! Well, ttyl! Ha.

-Margaret

June 17 2007

2007-06-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Fathers Day! Ok, here I am going to make my list of things to do in the summer before I forget.
1)Find Priape! [1322, 17th Avenue SW]
2)Walk down 17th ave at least one and count how many places have a rainbow pride flag on their doors.
3)Get pictures of all the best scenic views that I like.
4)Volunteer or get a job at the library.
5)Lose a few pounds.
6)Go to the Calgary Tower
7)Go to the zoo
8)Go to the U of C bookstore
9)Go to Megatunes [932 17 Avenue SW]
10)Go to training camp (hockey or lacrosse!)

I'll copy this to the rest of my entries and cross it off once Canada day hits!

June 16th 2007

2007-06-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

There is so much chaos in the world. Today my Mom was putting new bed sheets on my bed. She asked me to come upstairs to move some things and I agreed. So I came upstairs and moved them. Then right in front of my face she moves my night stand, making almost everything on top of it fall INCLUDING the pictures of my deceased Grandfathers and a vase full of fake flowers. I cringed. I then went to play my piano across the hall and I heard her cursing and swearing at me and my room. I went back inand asked if she wanted me to help or do the job. She said no. So I grabbed my SMHS hoodie and asked me Dad if I could go for a walk. He said yes so I got my iPod and left.

I walked to my favourite place to be: Tom Campbell's park. That picture above is the coolest part. Sorry it's in winter, I had to find some off Flicker because I haven't taken any yet. But I will soon! And that pic below is the view from one of the benches there. It's so amazing.

Isn't it great!? But then I was walking along the trails there and I saw all these random mounds of dirt and then machines. And I thought to myself 'how could a park this wonderful be surrounded and tainted by this construction that isn't even needed?'. I don't know, maybe I should just stay away from there.

After my walk my Mom had cooled down. After an hour or two we went over to my uncles and showed everyone my final music concert DVD. It was pretty good, considering my little 4 year old cousin wanted to be the center of attention and started pissing off my aunt and uncle.

Interesting day huh? Talk to you later.

Margaret

June 15th, 2007

2007-06-16T09:18:00.000-07:00

Ha ha I love that comic. Well, the social exam was ok. I am glad I used my exemption, so if I do badly, then it doesn't count! Woot! So not much else happened, other then depressing John, my friend who has a girlfriend, and everything he could ever want and then tells me it's easy to get a gf/bf. Ha ha ha for him maybe.

Well, I am getting really bored these days, I wonder what will happen in the summer? O man, i'd probably be happier babysitting my four year old cousin for a month than having a month of freedom to myself. meh, i'll prob. be at the library downtown or on 17th ave trying to fine Priape ha ha ha.

But before the exam I was hanging down in the band room, ah good times. And oddly enough I was talking with Katie, mini macleod. She's pretty nice and she's really awesome at bass. But something that struck me was when we were talking about wind ensemble, the best classical band in our school. She said she got to look at some of the music for our best and probably hardest piece (which I can play on my tenor btw) and she said she'd never be able to play it. She may be Mini Macleod and be seen as everyone as a shadow in her amazing sister's footsteps, but she's only human. Meh. I wonder if that made any sense.

Well, my math tutor is coming over soon. I will talk to you later blog.

-Margaret

June 14th/2007

2007-06-15T06:47:00.001-07:00

Boring days.. exams sucks. I was studying for social, making myself lunch and watchin TV/ on the computer. Thats all I did today! I was so bored... and to make it all worse my back started to ache. Bah. But then I played my tenor and I was very happy. :D

Well, talk to you later and wish me luck on my social exam!

June 13th 2007

2007-06-13T20:06:00.002-07:00

Hey Blog?;
Well, I guess I want to write something public yet private. Not gonna tell my friends... but whatever.
So today was the french final exam (finally!) and I think I did ok. Mind you, I think even the french 10 kids could have done ok on the french 31A IB test (which by the way is also a grade 10 class).
After that I headed down to the band room and practice the clarinet and did my scale test. I hate how legault always has someway of proving I am not pro musician like everyone thinks. It's like kryptonite with superman. After I screwed up on one scale and did great on the second he gave me this spiel on how you should be better, what does your jazz teacher talk about all the time, I am gonna start auditioning for things which were fine without auditioning this year, will I ever shut up? (that last one didn't happen btw). It makes me so mad how he's finally taking initiative. We want people to join band not quit.
Anyways after that I waited in the choir room and then I headed down to the band room to wait for the final concert CD's. Then Tino came and we attempted to do our duet (long story short we have to do either a solo or duet piece for our final mark) but Legault said he'd give us an extension so we came master it. WE WANTED TO GET IT OVER WITH! I have mastered it, Tino is master, so what's the problem? the piece? Super Mario Bros theme. GAH!
Then I walked with Tino to his Mom's work with the final concert Cd in my backpack and then I headed onto the #3 bus to go to Chinatown. I ran into a fellow tenor sax friend of mine and a couple of other people. I talked for like a minute then I left and got a mini pencil case for the rest of exams. Hell no am I lugging around a huge backpack and a large a unorganized pencil case.
I then waited for 30 mins for the 17 bus and then got home and watched the final concert. Man my solo for blue monk was good (which at the concert I thought sucked) and my solo for impressions sucked (which I thought was good!) but hey, a lot of people commented how pro I was. The principal, a few teachers, a few parents, some of my friends, my parents, you know.
Then I ate dinner and my Mom was complaning because despite me washing the dishes for her she was complaning that the 'back of the dishes' was filthy. Yeah, thanks accepted. Who is gonna turn around their plate and say "my, how disgusting! get me another plate!" when the back is on the table!? And instead of saying, "I appreciate you trying", she gets my Dad to come paraphrase while stabbing my shoulders (which ache from my backpack full of text books to return) with his index finger. Is anything I ever do enough?

I have some idea to share before I go.
1)If you want kids to join band, don't give us playing tests. Instead give us fun yet challenging music in keys we're forced to learn in order to play the music.
2)If people want to play, let them. It's they're choice if they want a bad mark or not.
3)If you don't like someone, say it. It would be better then knowing then you shunning them and ignoring them but let them hang around you.
4)Don't spaz if a friend says they're gay or bi and they like you and you're straight. Tell them lightly that you're straight and move on with it instead of ignoring the person (despite being in band, badminton and some classes together). Life is too short to be mad at someone and hold grudges.

Ok, i'm all ranted out. I should play my tenor. That usually makes me happy.
-Jazzness

My Relaxer Blog

Besame mucho.

It's funny how fast you realize who your real friends are.

When you want something done... do you really have to do it yourself?

I'm a classy gal.

I just am.

I believe in love but love doesn't believe in me.

Always look on the bright side of life.

I've got the moves like jagger.

Don't call me baby anymore.

Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

I'm feeling... good *dun nah, dun nah, dun nah*

COOKING POST! =)

Life goes on... right?

Not quite all the way back to square one.

Happy New Year...?...!

Buono Natale a tutti e felice anno nuovo!

Le gr.

I wonder...

Been awhile.

Ever after.

Past life melodies.

Wow.

Baby it's cold outside.

Time go more Langsam!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I am so blessed.

Makenai!

The Circle of Life

I need to vent.

With Vigor.

False alarm?

I really should be in bed...

Baba Yetu

Maybe I should keep up writing in here even if things were good...

Je ne comprends pas.

Hush.

Gotta Catch 'Em All!!

Mein Denken...

J'ai un mal de tete. (no accents, too lazy, just imagine a hat accen over the first e in tete.)

I'm bored. Therefore I shall blog.

Mondnacht.

Mut.

Kinderszenen.

En francais au'jed'oui?

Don't call me baby anymore.

Die forelle.

Canada day!!!!! =DDD

Kiss me Slowly.

Good grief.

I'M DONE SUMMER SCHOOL!

JAZZ FESTIVAL TIME!

I'm tired of getting hurt.

Erlkonig.

TOO BUSY!

So I wasn't expecting that at all!

Something's been puzzling me tonight...

Epic Adventures and more...

May 27th, 2011

One of the most friggin epic intense nights i've had in FOREVER!!!! (or what feels like forever)

I'm bloody miserable.

Im wunderschönen Monat mai

Risk taking to totally worth it (in this instance).

God Never Blinks.

Two sides to every story...

April 28th, 2011

April 26th, 2011

April 23rd, 2011

Life is awesome; must blog!!!!

.... KIT FRENCH!!!!

April 19th, 2011

April 18th, 2011

April 17th, 2011

July 7th 2007

July 4th 2007

July 1st 2007

June 30th 2007

June 29th 2007

June 28th 2007

June 27th 2007

I'm feeling... good dun nah, dun nah, dun nah